maybe I should just write?

It’s amazing how different you can feel to the world. To everyone you’re just a mere human, a friend, and someone they know. People know me, they can see me for who I am. But we all block out some part of our lives, either to certain people, because it can be uncomfortable, or our past can effect our future. Me well, I see myself as being the girl next door. Though, in a way I feel like next door is miles away. I can’t figure out if I’m miles ahead or I’m the one whose miles behind.

People often say that you can be an open book, my book seems to be closed of to the world. Not because I want my life to feel private, but because I simply don’t know how to speak out, about anything. Fear, anxiety, and myself seem to get in the way of my voice. Maybe its my self I have to blame. I have many pages you could say. some interesting, and some not so interesting, but I have a story. Day to day, we all have a story. My story is just waiting, not sure what for yet. I know we all figure it out eventually.  And one day our own book and our chapters will end.

At the moment, I’m trying to figure myself out. I mean, I obviously know who I am, and what my values are. I guess I’m trying to find a real purpose. With just finishing year 12, we can feel pressured to know exactly what we want to do. Well I do know what I want in life, as I said I know my values. I guess I’m trying to figure out my next step, or what is actually going to happen for me next.

Dreams and hope, come to mind when I think of my future and what I’d like to get out of it. But Dreams and hope, also change, like our values. As we get older, we want different things, we see things differently, and sometimes life can dramatically change.

Recently, I have been in a situation, that changed the way I saw things, and the way things worked out, were not how I hoped. And this happens in life. Our hope, can sometimes become what we want to value most.  The situation soon flooded my mind for days, and I couldn’t stop thinking about anything else. I let the situation, become something that it wasn’t, which only lead into utter disappointment. Only then did I realise I had to pretend I didn’t care.

Sometimes I think It’s at out weak point when God decides to use us. That same week, God used me. I had the strangest feeling to act on something. And I did, because It was exciting, and new, and for once that week, I wanted to influence someone else’s life, instead of hoping everyone else would influence mine.  

God really showed me more opportunities, with strangers. It’s amazing how I, just the girl next door can share Gods love to others. And why not? There’s nothing better to do on this earth. 

Its been a while

Well, look at this, haven't blogged in ages. And here I am.
I was thinking about blogging last night. How I like to write, write my thoughts and the random things that come to mind. Then when I figure out what to actually write about, my mind seems to go blank.
Since I haven't written in a while. I mys well keep my life updated for you.
Well, since September, Wow it really has been 2 months to long.....
I have finished year 12. What a relief! didn't ever think I would get passed that one.
I have made many new friends.. due to my slight taste of freedom.
My freedom from exams comes in only one week. I have one left. And i'm not to worried about it.
For now, I'm busy.
Busy with trying to get my hours up, so I can get my P's.
Having lots of Photography work! Well, enough for now. I have recently photographed 7 beautiful families, done a 21st, and the church festival. This week, I am photographing a childrens concert for remembrance day. A lot of family friends, or mums friends have also asked me to take baby, family and children shots also. So the experience I'm getting has been great. And I'm so blessed, because I, not once, have had to ask for any of the opportunities i'm getting.
Also, home has been very busy, with the backyard being done, the driveway, and getting it all sorted for our party. It's going to be a big night.
Other then that, without getting to deep and meaningful, like I normally do..
I'm just excited! Excited for what is to come, what is going to change over the next year or even few months.
Anyways, that's all I really have to say.
peace.

10 years ago on 9/11

This day 10 years ago, I was living in New Zealand. Watching the devastation, and the un-thinkable happen in New York. I was young, though I remember people running, screaming, jumping, bleeding, and pleading for help. Some people have asked me, why do bad things happen to good people? All i can say is that; this world we live in has fear, anguish, and pain. And we have to embrace the happiness when its here. We have suffering so that life here, is valuable to us! A lot of people have no idea what happens after death, and their eternity can be lost.
On this day 10 years ago, many people had to endure the pain, the loss, the grief and sadness. While the rest of us had to sit and watch, what was going on around the other side of the world.
For me, i will always remember sitting at my home then, and watching the towers crumble, people jumping off the buildings because they had no choice!
People do some crazy messed up things in this world.. without it we would learn nothing, we wouldn't grow without pain, and become who God has created for us to be. We have a love that can over power the hard times, make the numbness heal, make our hearts whole, and make our souls pure.

jade.

jade, she is amazing, blessed i am to call her a friend. This year she has been a gift from God, and i know that moving to box hill senior has been worth it, just to meet her.
As soon as we both met, on the first day of school this year, we said hi, and i'm pretty sure that instantly we knew we were going to be great friends. We figured we were the only two people in our group, and instantly decided to make a spot for our selfs at this school, and call it something extravagant ( because other people had their spots), we named ours "the window" as it was in a shape of a window.
Through year 12 jade and i have formed a great bond, we constantly laugh at one anothers misfortune, cry when the other is crying, and get all stupid when we need to block out the stress of folios!

All i can say is that i love her! she's just about as stupid as i am, and just as silly. So we get along just fine :)
PS on ya jade ;)

HI!

hello. I haven't written a blog in a while. this is most likely due to  year 12 taking over my life and almost savaging my social life. Now only 2 weeks of 3rd term left, and I'm as busy as a bicycle wheel going 100k an hour.
With lots of family portraits going on, work, formals, church, and year 12 put together, plus having 2 folios, 4 finals, all my health due in, 2 more sacs, and trying to have a social life. wow its crazy.
Though I'm learning a lot. Mostly how to deal with everything, and just as that happens, its all going to end. End- year 12? it almost doesn't feel possible. But within the next 2 weeks, everything is going to be done. Crazy to think that. Also at the end of the two weeks, is going to be one of the best weeks this year.... YOUTH CAMP! just a tad excited, for these 2 weeks to be up, unless my brain overload decides to take over my body, and then ill become a walking time bomb.
It'll be okay, this year i have received lots and i mean LOTS of experience with photography and film, its been amazing, i will have enough family portraits for a folio, of experience. God has truly blessed me this year! church banner, filming for the church CD.. and now all this experience with family photographs. It is AMAZING. all while this has happened he is using my hands to bless other people. The church was blessed with a banner, who ever sees the amazing church CD will be blessed! And children in thailand will be blessed with the money i raise for target thai! Its amazing that God can use someone like me, to bless others around me, and also bless those in another country. So thank you God, for using me, i will serve you all of my days!
thats it for now :) gotta head back to reality and year 12...
PEACE

Influenced

Have you ever been influenced? By what you hear, see, or what the people around you do..?

Well just the other night during prayer and worship, i saw how i, have been influenced in my past.

 In primary school and some of highschool, it wasn't as easy as one might think, i went through things that you might not expect... Bullying from day to day, hurt, anger, trials... i have faced these in my own ways. Im not saying i wish these things didn't happen, as we all go through things that make us become who we are today.

And I've realised, that im still that scared little girl sometimes. The girl that a teacher found in grade prep, in the fetal position because some stupid grade 6 boys decided to make a nasty influence that has scared her...though I am not all that little anymore, though i face bigger life decisions, bigger choices, and bigger fears. The fears that I faced when i was young, the hurt i faced when i was young, has affected me greatly in how i see things today, how i fear things today, and how i act today...

A lady was speaking at church the other night... she was saying that our brains, without even knowing it, fear, what we used to fear. That without even knowing it, our brains automatically think that way, the way where we put ourselfs down, where we are afraid of that same hurt, afraid of that same sittuation, and afraid of the influence.

And yet here i am, only now, realising that this has affected me in ways i hadn't known. I have grown, loved, lost, feared, and become who i am today. Without the love of My God and Savior Jesus Christ, i wouldn't be who i am today. In fact i would of gone off the rails, gone somewhere, where that fear would of taken me. But because of the Lord, i am saved. I don't have to fear.. for he is always with me.

breaking point.

Have you ever had a moment where you realise you have hit rock bottom?? or breaking point? well its been a long couple of weeks. including school, work, church, and other commitments, my parents being away and trying to contain the siblings from doing something stupid.
Well, as a result of life and its craziness, today at work, i hit rock bottom. With out going into all the dull details, i went to work, they stuffed up and went to send me home after an hour. So i was annoyed yes, as i had to skip class to get there on time. So i went to talk with the manager. I had gotten ready to head home, but turns out they still wanted me to work in another department,  i walked out of the office... trying to keep my head held high, and the tears from pouring out, i ran to the bathroom  and started crying, and alot.. with everything in me wanting to quit and run away, i sat down, and prayed. "God help me stay strong"  With everything else on top of my plate, i had hit breaking point.
I looked myself in the eye, and reminded myself 'Isaiah 41:10' - "do not be afraid, for i am always with you" - Jesus.
Instantly, i had peace, though still cut up in my tears i went and talked with the store manager, and it was resolved.
Though im stressing with everything, i know God is with me, he feels our hurt, and he knows our hearts.
So thanks God, just for being awesome, without you, i wouldn't know what i would do.
-- Kath

What is to come.... ?

The last couple of months have been interesting, full of a lot of things, that have changed me. Often, i find myself thinking. As i watch the rain drops fall down the window, slowly, the gravity of time passes by. Next thing i know its been over 10 minutes that has passed. And all i did was watch the rain, falling.
Time is a funny thing, we grow old in time, people pass in time, and in time we all have a life.
We all see what is now in our lives. We might still be studying, be a full time or part time worker, some of us may have children ( not the majority who reads this blog), some may be struggling to find a job, and some, well some might not even know what is ahead for them. And really none of us do.
Right now, we all have a purpose. Everything has a purpose. The rain falling down on the window, the rain has a purpose.
I'm just going to share a little story...
This year, i was certain i wanted a prophecy,  Through someone from God, i was set out to find one. To hear from God. I went to a few different churches and got people to pray for me, and i worshiped and worshiped.. and i didn't have anything. A lot of my friends were hearing from God in miraculous ways, through different people praying, through other friends, and through the holy spirit. anyway, nothing yet had happened for me through someone.
About two or more weeks ago, i had a vision, or picture in my head... ill describe it to you....
"Imagine the African desert, all orange dusty, hardly trees.. there was a river, right in front of me, a shallow one of course, about ankle deep. now imagine looking across the little river from the ground, and watching all these feet running through it... The feet were dark skinned, skinny and little,  without seeing faces i saw them pushing out little boats across the river... "
WEll that was my vision/ picture, i had no idea what it was, all i knew is that to me it meant something. With all my hope to get a word from someone, nothing came. I didn't doubt God for a second, i only doubted myself.
Last night Allan spoke at church, about surrendering yourself to God.. now, i had done this many times over and over again.. as worship came, people were getting prayed for p the front.. as i started to pray in tongues , i felt this chilling sensation... i knew God wanted me to show him that i am willing to surrender . So i walked up to miranda, who was up the front, as i got there, i knew God didn't want me to get prayed for ( though miranda's prayer was still great!! ) as soon as i reached the front Instantly everything was blocked out of my head. I couldn't even hear miranda speaking let alone the band.... As i opened my eyes from this moment, i knew God had shown me the rest of the vision.
From the other vision along the river, and the feet running, i saw-- " I turned to look up from watching the feet running through the water, a little black boy, with big eyes, and a massive smile grabbed my hand. He looked at me, and as i saw his smile, and his beautiful eyes, he said "com'on com'on".. i was running with them, having fun. "
In the next moment, all i could do was smile. All this year i had wanted God to give me a prophecy through someone,  to hear a word, or anything from someone. I never knew that someone would be me.

The painting of a life time.

Well it seems i have come to a point in my life where im stuck. Stuck between the arkward stage. what stage might that be you may wonder... well sometimes i wonder too. Stuck between being an old kid, or a young adult.. to be honest i have no idea what im classified as. I can muck around, on the odd occasion, with friends like tab, jordan, and jade... i mean we have to have the silly moments in life right? But its that stage where, you actually have to choose to be mature. Where you face life changing decissions.. what im going to do next year..?
I have no clue that im going to do next year, i mean i thought i did, but i know now that i don't. And i know God hasnt made it clear to me yet..

Just today, i got a note that stated my name "Kathy" on the front. Jenny said it was from lauren ( one of my good friends) It stated
"As i see the beautiful you are, surly you have been placed here for a purpose". This letter showed me many things from God, through lauren. On the paper it had a semi circle drawn. Underneth the semi circle it stated " You may only see the semi circle, but God has bigger plans then that. He's already painting dreams and passions on your heart" as i read this, i started o cry.

God knows my plan, he already has them, and i know he is painting them on my heart. Life is always what we want, as its not our painting to create, its Gods. We may see the semi circle of life, But Gos see's the full circle. He knows what is coming ! we just have to let him paint away, to write the passions in our hearts, to create the dreams we may have!

Also around the page was written "LOVE, COURAGE, PEACE, and PATIENTS" thats all it takes.

with out Gods future, I wouldn't even be here.

well, at the moment i just want to ramble on... i don't really know what im thinking or what to think, im just tired, can't sleep, and have had enough of nothing. To me this makes some sense, to you who is reading this it may make none..
LIFE- what a big and glorious thing right? i mean earth and all, the love, the loss, the pain and suffering, hate and furry, joy and peace, happiness and laughter... how can all this be just a simple part of life, but mean so much? Everyone wants to have a good life, an education, a solid career, a family, a life. I mean, thats what we seem to want, its what happens here on this earth... generations after generations.. Its hard to comprehend the amount of people that have actually been place on this earth. We see at least 10 people a day, who we most likely won't ever see again..
Seeze every opportuity? -- Lately i have learnt that being happy is the best option... You make someones day a lot better, or have the potentail to do so. Just a simple hi, a quick conversation, or a simple wave. Its all it takes. If your first impression to someone is dull, or doesn't include a smile, thats what you get back. After all what you see is what you get.
I have no idea why im rambeling on about this... i just want to keep going though so feel free to stop reading at anytime :)
My cat morris, has arrived near me... being all cute...
anyways
The other night i attended a formal, it was fun, had its good moments. and then it ended. Its amazing how all the good moments are the shortest, yet they are the ones that stick around.
Friends... God has blessed me with many friends, and some amazing ones. Tab really knows how to make me feel special. At the formal Yes i didnt have a date, but in all her goodness she bought me a crousage.. i mean, she went out of her way, just to make me feel happy.. and though i had already guessed that she bought me one, the thought was still amazing, And it was beautiful :) Just a simple   gift like tab and her goodness, i know comes from somewhere else.
I am so blessed with what i have right now, and sometimes i can forget that. I complain about my job ( cause i dont like it), i complain about the clothes i have, I complain about alot of things... WE all do! Yet there are some people in this broken messed up world who have NONE of what i have. Here i am sitting in a sheltered house, with heating, electricty, clean water, and a pantry full of food.
About 2 weeks ago at church, a lady came and spoke to us about her life. Shes an australian woman, who lives in a slum with her family. Constantly she helps her community, with their children, and is a giver, She is a gift to those thai people, who need help, who need God in their lifes, and she is only one example. I would love to travel the world, help people who arn't well off, help the needy, take photographs of the world, adopt, I DONT KNOW, i just want to be the light from God in someones world. Somewhere different then here. Although it would be though, This world is though anyway, and its not going to change in the blink of an eye... As much as i have plans and dreams, plans for my future, i really need to invision Gods future, because without his future, i wouldnt even be here. This is why i CANNOT wait till i finish year 12, and can get the heck away, start exploring and taking a hold of that future, Conqure God's plans and his dreams. i have to set my life on him, because if i dont do that day after day, where would that get me? where would that take all thos opportunties, and where would that leave all those people we can impact?
Yeppppppp im on fire now... once  i get started i just keep on going... well i should probably go as it is getting late and i want to get up and get school over and done with...
GOD BLESS YA MATEEEEEE
--- kath

happily ever after..

Recently I attended a friends wedding.. Man oh Man, did all the girls ponder about tying the not sometime in their future (and soon) aha ... It was a beautiful day, everything was perfect, and the way it should be. Its amazing that God has created us, to want to love, and to want to have someone. And for the majority of us, he has created that someone just for us. Weather we are ready or not, or if God is still Building them up into that person. Carolyn and Scott Patten now were wed, on the 15th of July. They were proof that God has created them just for each other, and they will continue to grow and love each other in their happily ever after. Everyone should have a happily ever after, if it hasn't come yet, im sure it will soon, as every happily ever after has its own story. Marrige is a beautiful thing, and one day it'll be your turn!

its all in my head.

Well, alot of things go through your mind. You can think about everything and anything. life makes you wonder all the time. We make up all sorts of things that don't even match reality. we can or  might think one thing, and another might think the complete opposite on the same sittuation. well thats what it can be like, we all hope for the best, build up the good thing in our minds and creating them into disapointment when realy kicks in, or life fails to succeed that hope, or mind blowing dream you wanted the eurge to happen so bad.. we have to make sure, pray, and think out the real reality of life, and our lives. because with out knowing it, we can fall. Fall into th trap of disapointment. And no matter how hard we try to avoid these situations, pretending everything is okay, that nothing went wrong, or is going wrong. We have to stick to the plan God has, trust in him. We can still hope, we all hope for a certain future, then create those dreams. But its okay to dream right? Well.... enough of me blabbering along about this.  It seems to get my mind ticking.

Peace out.
-- Kath

an adventure ahead. the adventure of life.

Today, is a brand new day. The past is the past, and I can start a fresh. Stay positive, be myself and live the life God has created for me. This is what I should say to myself, every-time i have a bad day, have my doubts on life and myself, and start becoming someone that I'm not. Being yourself is the most important aspect of your life. Its who you hang around, the way you act to different people and different situations, and the way you show love, that creates who you are to those around you. Some people are two faced, in situations like school and church, and I admit, I have gone there in the past, but it got me no where. Recently I have learnt this year that being yourself to everyone, actually gets you somewhere. Though this year so far has been hard on finding out who I really am, its been an experience. I've learnt who my true and good friends are, become prone to the fact; that I am who I am. God has created me, and grown me in many ways. To use me in ways that are un-known so far, but are yet to be discovered, in this great big world. I often think of the future. It has been brought up a number of times this year. What ill be doing next year.. If ill go to uni.. what i will study, if ill get a job..etc etc. There are so many opportunities. And I'm yet to choose which direction the next chapter of my life will take. For now I'm going to be myself, try and get the chapter of my life now completed (year 12). And then take my next steps in life. Who knows where I will go, or if I will stay. Guess ill have to wait and see... I can only follow Gods plan, hope and pray that my future will be an adventure, and get sucked into the ride of life.

story of us.

Well, Taylor Swift has some wise lyrics. Yes, before you get to caught up, I do like Taylor Swift. So if you would like to stop reading, you are most welcome to, as i won't know who reads this, or if anyone will actually read this.
Well taylor swift writes songs about her life, mostly boys in general. She seems to have a lot of storeys going on in her life, involving different situations and boys all together.
Well we are all made to want someone right? or made for someone..
Well Taylor swift sure goes through her guys. And writes amazing songs out of them. haha Well i like her song "story of us". Im not going to say all the lyrics and write everything about the song, but i like the story that comes with it. Basically i like the fact, that we all have a story, a different story. Either way we are going to have a story. " Well, we all see couples, all time time.. and they all have a story. I'm not actually sure if i like this song because of the lyrics or the melody. maybe both... the more you listen to it, the better it gets. We all have a story with someone, if it hasn't begun yet, its still to come. If it ends, it was still a story, and if it lasts its a fairytale. :)

my week.

Well, i have had the urge to blog for a while now. not knowing what to blog about, I have put it off. Also my home computer kinda sucks, so i use the mac computers at school, so im really just going to blabber on about my day.
This year in unit 4 we are reading Obamas "autobiography". so I was sitting in the library, and as i finished reading the introduction to his book, (which is insanely hard to get into, due to his proper language), one of the year 12 english teachers comes up and starts telling me that he ( obama) is such a powerful man, that what he does is going to impact us, and that the book is amazing, and that she's all happy and glad we are studying it. Well my opinion is completely different this far along. so far, its the most boring book i've ever read. though i haven't read many so i won't judge it too much. But what fascinated me was that she spoke as if this guy was her idol. But i won't go on about that.
Studio Art now, interesting lesson. We find ourselves listing to our teacher, and then all of a sudden she gets a hot flush and tells us and gives us facts that she's going through menopause, lovely. Gotta love a teacher like that. Unit 4 work, she's making this part of the year sound like we need to stay up and have all nighters, she doesn't care, as long as we put in 100%. Doesn't she understand that we have other subjects to focus on as well, so that we can pass? some people I tell you! But she's a lovely person.. though jade and i have suspicions that she's a lesbo.. well thats box hill senior for you. great school. great school.
Well its the holidays in 2 weeks, shouldn't complain too much.. 2 weeks woohoo
Normally in summer I would say, "i love the cold weather" as its too hot in summer. And then it comes to winter, and its unbearably cold... so cold, that I would now rather summer. Of course.
And tonight well tonight, miss Jordan Dewitt is coming around, and we shall be having a wonderfully made dinner from safeway.
I'm blessed with my friends in my life. Though it can be hard to treat all of the equally, I do try. It can be hard in year 12 to find the time, so when i do, I just make the most of it. This week my lesson has been, "you can't trust anyone" you can just have faith in people, and hope for the best. If the friendship is good, forgiveness is always going to be the answer to problems, you have to smile and get over little things, as one bad time isn't worth losing all the good ones. Jade has been an angel sent from heaven this year, as i needed a friend, and we are like peas in a pod. I know that even moving to this school was worth it because i made an amazing friend, and a friendship that will hopefully last a lifetime.
well, studio is almost over, jade is now reading what the teacher  was reading because the teacher doesn't "have a voice" any more. mostly because the teacher can't be bothered reading out loud to the class anymore. once again. great school. great school. all i can say is "on ya jade!"
well that leaves me to conclusion, one conclusion that i don't have. sooo BYE :)

This photograph, I love. I took this while camping in 2008. Yes, it was a while ago (and only on the 5 megapixel camera i had back then). Though it was a while ago, it reminds me of camping. I'll tell you the story about how this photo, kind of got me into photography and why i love and enjoy it so much today.. where it all kinda began.
It was a cold, frosty morning. I was camping with my two cousins Emma and Zoe (who were 5 at the time), and their dad, my uncle Geoff and two other families. Being me while camping, I woke up early, and decided to go for a walk. We were camping on the river, the sun hadn't come up yet, as it was about 5 in the morning. Along the river, the fog was coming off the flowing water. The birds were singing and it was quiet with everyone still all asleep in their tents. I thought the fog on the river looked amazing, so i started taking photographs. Little did I know the sun was about to come up. As the sun rose; it was beautiful. Everything that I thought already looked incredible, became 10 times better. The sun over the hills were reflecting along the river, through the fog, and among the trees... It was a sight i would never forget, and an experience I will forever imagine and remember. As the sun was shining i wanted to take as many photographs as I could, I kept trying to snap as many as I could. As I came over to a tree on the side of the water, I noticed a spider web, with the morning sun shining, it looked incredible. Just as i was walking away, this spider came out, and started to gather his web. It was the first time i appreciated spiders, as it was such a sight.
And thats how I found my love of photography. By camping, the sun, and the little things in life that can be seen as incredible if you let yourself see them as incredible.
So this brings me to camping this weekend, SYG! I cannot wait to see if I can get some great shots, have an amazing time, and enjoy the experience I'm sure I will never forget!

this week.

well my week is going swell.
I haven't been doing all that much, just school, catching up on homework, english essay and health work. got my folio back, didn't get the mark i wanted. but thats ok... i think i can improve my mark. i hope.
today i had the urge to listen to Justin Bieber after watching the videos from his concert, so I'm listening to him right now. brings back some good memories with Tab.
Also this week on the agenda.. SYG (state youth games). after working out that i have a 5 day weekend, i decided why not spend 3 days in the cold, wet, not to mention muddy, grounds of state youth games, with a whole bunch of people. I was gonna road trip to sydney for a day with jadey, but that didn't work out... sooo my plan is now SYG. i've never been before so im looking forward to it, i bought myself a beanie and gloves this morning, and a torch. officially prepared for this weekend.. well lets hope i wont be too cold. camping in the middle of winter.. I'm sure it will be fun, as i will have my trusty friend Tabitha there :)
I've done work for this week, so i won't be working till next monday night, thank goodness, i tell ya what i'm officially sick of working at safeway. It gets me money, but other then that, it sucks. at least i have a job right?

this year has been harder then I thought, as this school has much harder and higher standards, as i didn't exactly work at all last ear and was already almost failing, so this year i have been working my butt off so to speak. And its also hard settling into a new school. But i think I'm getting used to it all now, and its half way. Made some amazing friends, Jade and Lauren, two of the most amazing people I've ever met. Its defiantly a God thing that I became friends with them.

And yes, that is my life at the moment. gooodbye

hi is all i can say.

well, I am FINALLY blogging.  I haven't blogged in a while due to silly "technical difficulties"of the world wide web. In some sense it was good, as I haven't had the time to, due to many reasons.
It has been a very long couple of weeks, and I'm sure it wasn't just for me, but for all those other year 12's! There was just a lot to get through. Folio's, plenty of sacs, and work. But now....I'm officially half way through year 12! Its pretty exciting that I'm passing this year, and actually keeping on track, let alone surviving it all. Most of me is glad its almost over, with 14 teaching weeks left, just not looking forward to the next 3 months. I won't have to put up with school for the rest of my life and being able to do 'whatever' after i finish this year.
 But theres part of me that doesn't want it to end. As I think more about it, what am I going to be doing next year? I actually have no idea where i am going to be. Though i love to dream big, I know thats not going to happen straight away. A lot of people already know what direction they want to go, weather it be going to UNI, getting a degree, studying or working and starting an occupation. I just have no idea.
I know my passion, I know what I enjoy, its just getting that started and finding the thing you need to start growing that. Its like a seed.. It needs water to grow.
I'm sure I will figure it all out soon enough as its just around the corner, its just the stress now of the future, I feel like my journey is going to start soon, yet i have no idea what its going to hold. If it will hold the things that I want, or not at all? well its probably not what you want to be reading right now. As my brain is ticking and I'm in art.
We are getting our Folio's back today, with the mark! just a bit nerves, as i have worked my ass of all year, and its come down to this.
In conclusion my brain is ticking... I know I'm in good hands with the big man up stairs. at least I have a brain though, just wish that conscience of mine wouldn't muck around so much, gets me every time!
peace out.

one of those days.

Well today has been full of nothing but it feels like everything is happening at once. Ever had one of those days? Nothing really happens, but its so full of your mind thinking about everything that should be going on that its draining. All i really did was go to school for one hour, go home, and go to the doctors to have a blood test. I should of been doing folio work, working on my homework, but i couldnt seem to find the inner energy that it takes. And what makes it worst? its not the end of the week. Only Thursday. I should be working out friendships, talking and supporting other people, having time to relax, buy im to tired to actually relax, i know that it may not make sense to who ever even reads this, but let me tell you its possible. I shouldn't be falling asleep after a short day. But the point is im tired, stressed, and drained emotionally and physically. Its year 12, 2 folios due in 2 weeks, 3 shifts a week and safeway (which makes me more drained and stressed cause its time i could use), its not knowing what my life is going to hold, not knowing what to even do with myself when there is so many things that should be done. I could write on forever. I even blog, when im stressing about time. Maybe because if I start on my work, it will make me more tired. And the fact i cant stop thinking at the moment. Worrying about friends, what they have going on in their lives. One thing about me is that I could sit and wait forever, for something to happen. for the past 4 hours I have been listening to one song over and over. "last kiss" by Taylor Swift. I dont know why I even keep listening to it. I like the instrumental, and melody. I''m just not sure. You know what how can I be sure of anything anymore? When you think you trust someone, and you know them really well, then you stop to think, and maybe you dont? maybe they dont know you as well either, not matter how hard you try, it just dosnt seem to work. Latley I have been planning out sittuations in my head, good ones, that i want my future to hold with certain people. I let my mind escape, into worlds that arn't real. And then all i get when i figure out they arn't ever going to happen? Disapointment. So then the cycle happens again. I think, worry, have no energy, dont do anything, get stressed, and then disapointed because through all that I hope for the best. Well who ever has read this, (which would probably be my Mum.), you probably think im crazy, or a bit weird. Thats ok, cause at the moment, I don't really care what you think of me. I can be craazy, and I know I am weird. I have to accept that I think way to much almost beyond my capacity to think, my brain might even explode soon. So if it does, just know i would be in a better place. A place unlike this world. It doesn't hold anger, or judgement, a place where I wouldn't feel emotionally and physically drained, a place where I can dance all the time, and have joy 24/7. But I love my life, i guess its full of adventure. Sometimes i want more, and sometimes i want less of somethings. Including school and work. It would be great if I could stand on my own, and choose to do the things God has planned for me. Like go to America (where i obviously want to go). Go help those who need another hand. Travel to countries like Europe and Asia. Eat a frog leg or two. Thats the kind of adventure i would love to endure in. So fingers crossed. Hopefully one day. :) well i think I've rambled on enough now. -- Kath

A master piece?

Well apparently, we are all a master piece in Gods eyes. Yet I don't feel that perfection he see's in me. I have flaws. We all do. Im finding it hard to see myself through God's eyes. I point out every little detail I dont like about myself. I think sometimes we forget that we are perfect in Gods eyes. We judge, we dislike, we try hard to be someone we want to be. So this is my prayer. "God i know, you see me as your master piece, help remind me daily. Help me to want to be the person you have created me to be. Lead me in your direction. Show me you've created me with perfection. My desire is to be like you, to stay strong, face each day with a joyful heart. Protect my heart from sinful ways. Help me to love, encourage, and support others. My desire is to stay strong. To love and feel like i belong. Lord, I'm going to follow you all of my ways and all of my days. I trust in your plan, what ever it may be.. Help me to follow your dreams you have for me. I belong to you, so that in all i do, help me to stay true. amen."

A reason?

I'm thinking there is a reason for everything. I mean there has to be right? Why wouldn't there be a reason.. why we dream, why we laugh, why we cry, why we want to be loved, and we want to love.  Sometimes it can be hard to figure out the reason for the bad things that occur in life. Why we lose the people we love the most, why we fade from some friendships, and why we feel the need to step away from some, or when something you don't want to happen in life happens. Life can be muddled up, and might not turn out the way we want it to. We can have all these images and pictures we want our future to include, weather its a dream job, to have a family, or a relationship... but that door might close and another will open, in the end your plan will work its self out. A door has opened, and i feel the need and the want to go to New York Film Academy. Well, its a dream.. and for some reason i have this dream. I've always wanted to go to America, or live there.. But I never had a reason to. Well now i do, even if its for a short period of time. This door might lead to another. So I'm going to try and pursue in this dream of mine, and hopefully go there in the next few years. If its meant to be, it will happen. I'm sure there is a greater reason why i love photography, so i guess i have to explore that, to find the reason. who knows where it will take me, who knows if i will enjoy it, who knows if ill even go. But ill have to wait to see what happens...
-- Kath

big couple of weeks

Well, well, well... what a big couple of weeks it has been at the Gerrand's house! With Jack Johnston (famous sculptor) over from America staying with my grandparents, but practically at our house 24/7. Teaching all these ladies how to sculpt dolls in our house, it has been full on. Jenny also gave up her room for two ladies that were staying with us for 4 days. So though it doesn't seem like much there are also things like school, including two folios that are due in 3 weeks which basically means my social life is gone! Sacs galore in year 12!  working 3 shifts a week gets full on, so by the end of the week I'm so glad its over, only to start the week all over again. Life can be tough but with out the loving supportive family and friends i have, i wouldn't get through.
17= a weird age, where adults seeing us been as mischief, where we feel grown up almost being 18 yet we still seem young to everyone else. I don't feel like a young "little" girl anymore. I want to be able to explore the world and what I'm meant to be doing with my life. Yet still being in school, no one seems to give us a chance. I'm not entirely sure what people see as our age level to be, but its almost a dud age. Where your not old enough to do anything, or be seen as mature. But not young enough to seem innocent, or a kid. so i guess ill have to at least try and enjoy the good moments while I can :) spare the time that i have left in school, and make time for myself and friends. Some people are so serious about year 12. i guess you would have to be if you know what you want to do. But what if you don't? how can you try your best if you don't even want to do those things later, its almost a waste of time. But we are all expected to complete year 12 so that we can pursue in the qualification and job you would like. Thats why had to move schools this year, to study in Photography, to build up folios. So, not matter how bad this school can get, or no matter how much i don't enjoy it, I need to stay positive.
well thats it from my mind at the moment. Pretty sure there is other things up there too, but i won't be sharing those just yet :) ----- Kath

Small group.

wow oh wow! Am I blessed to know God. In small group today we came up with thoughts that, got us thinking, but were so interesting to figure out, and amazing to hear what God had to say. Some of the questions coming up today were... Why did God put us here on earth in the first place? Why did God create us in the firstly? Why did he send Jesus here to die for us? Where do animals go, when they die? We came to the conclusion that God is the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. That though we have a choice, to love him or not, that he is always going to be in our lives, and we can not avoid that. examples; people curse his name, yet we dont hear of people cursing buddahs name or anyother "god". Every coin has the year it was made. The year is the amount of time after Jesus being born here on this earth. The years are calculated by when he was on earth! 2011, is 2011 years after our God was here on earth, and died for all our sins. We either decieve Jesus as being, a mad man, a bad man OR we can believe that he was who he said he was, "The Son of God". And there is way more proof that Jesuswas the Son of God. The tomb is empty, people watched him perform miracles, he rose from the dead, there a billions of people who still believe and follow him amd his word today. God created earth so that we could have a relationship with him. To experience his love ourselfs. God is love! Though some don't think that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, He was some man, to say he was the bread of life. He must of been some man to have died for all our sins. He must of been some man that the year is known after he was here. He must of been some man, that his word is True and billions of people still today have a relationship with him. He must of been some man that the grave couldnt hold him, and he rose from the dead! He is God to all, not matter how far you try and run, or seperate yourself from him on earth, you will face him again. When the time comes, you will stand before him.

Can't wait!

We have so much freedom but we don't even know it. Here we can have a life,  that can be filled with anything. Love, happiness, joy, family and friends. We all have a love void, which has been influenced by how we have been brought up, and the different situations and problems and struggled in our lives, that will impact on our future. But that makes us who we are. After a long 13 years of school, we can then start our journey in a new sense, being 18 can bring changes that we have to face, its how we deal with those, and respect the choices we make. Being classified as an adult. being only a little while away to this, I can tell you that I'm excited. excited to face situations that God has planned for me, that will make me stronger, make me who God has planned for me to be. So the count down begins :) 

The end of my story in 3rd person.

 From the outside, and to the people that surrounded her, she was beaming, taking no chances in being seen as a small immature girl. Standing with confidence, and with a petite smile on her face. She was going to show her maturity, show that she could speak her mind, and not be ashamed.

  On the inside, she was screaming, trying to know how to feel, what to even say, and not wanting to look stupid.  Feeling crazy with all these unknown thoughts streaming through her mind, she was yet to figure out what would happen from here.

Clenching onto her bag, She casually starts to walk over to him.  The intense feeling you get when your going on a rollercoaster was running down her legs, her heart was pumping, and she was trying not to bite her own lip.  

She stands strong, smiles, and tries not to feel the bumps of the rollercoaster.  No one else knew what was going through her head, let alone understand the thoughts running through her mind at this point in time. She kept it cool, she figured it was safer to pretend like she didn’t know his name, like she didn’t look forward to see him every week.  Its not like he is first person she looks for every time she comes here. No she went on with her real reality, where they didn’t talk, or see each other anywhere other then here. Though she was dying to be apart of his world, and his reality, she had to stick to her own, so that maybe one day it could be possible for their realities to become one. Not one person can fully understand the feelings and her mind, and made up reality with this person. She decided she was invisible, and it was going to stay that way until he thought otherwise.

thinking to myself while walking....

"staring at the stars, a million miles away.. And all i see is you. asking where from here, and which direction to go.. but we face today, and then tomorrow is thrown away. Is there any point in missing what we could of had. i cannot not waste my time here, because we cant go back, all the steps we have taken. And theres no point in changing our direction. ive got to keep my focus on you." sometimes when i cant take advice from other people, i should really consider taking my own.

life

well, we all have a life, and they are all very different, not one person on this earth has the same life, not one! its crazy to think that though we are all living on this same planet, that we all face different experiences. They can be similar, we can relate to those around, we hear the same news from all around the world, of disasters.. celebrities.. and the economy.. but we all have a different life here, in our time. Time can be a precious thing, to some anyway.. theres a saying "live life to the fullest, cause you only get one".. Its true we only get one life here on this earth. but we can also have eternal life with our
God, Jesus christ, our saviour. The bible promises, if we believe that God gave his only son, to forgive all our sins, to die on the cross, and to be risen this very day, that we shall have eternity with him. its rather exciting to think, what the next life is going to be like... just a thought :) soo happy easter to those around, hope it was safe and well! Remember Jesus on this day, as he rose again!
also read matthew 24, its really good, gives you some insight on the end :)

what the heart says.

Well, there is a saying "to follow your heart" .... to follow your heart, i know the heart is a precious thing, it keeps our blood flowing, and oxygen flowing through our bodies and they are vital to keep us alive. But really its just another organ. "To follow the heart", well its kindof stupid to be honest, and when i think about it, it doesnt make any sense at all, our heart doesnt know how to think... or hold any information about our life in anyway, its just there, doing its job. Us humans have just given it another job, for which it cant actually have. Our head does have this job, our minds, and memory, the brain is an amazing thing. though i dont think we ever follow our minds, because alot of us cant trust our minds. So I have come up with my conclusion.. and a new saying "follow what you believe in" so there is hope for the/your future. I believe in the Lord. so i am going to follow him all of my days, worship him in everysingle way, because he has a plan for me. And as for knowing what to follow, i know he will give me peace when its the right thing to do. So if your a believer, and you dont know how to "follow your heart", follow your plan, by praying, and asking God for peace, when you dont know what to do. It works every time! We all think before we act, and sometimes we dont... just remember to look for God, because he has the answers. AMEN

the sudden change.

You never know what suprises you will face in this world. You can have everything figured out, all aspects of life. Then with time, everything can change. We get to know those around us for who they really are. This can suprise us, and change all the aspects you once had. 
People, even your friends, can put on a face, hide what they want to say, be known for what they seem. I love getting to know people, hearing what they have to say. Getting to know someone, can really effect how you feel about them. You can respect them more, or even like them more, for who they can be, with you.  Often you can form  a picture of someone in your head, of who you see them to be, its not until you get to know them, that you fully realise and understand that you want them to be a major part in your life. Its taking the next step, asking God for guidence, so maybe you know what to do from here?

for a moment, nothing else matters.

Have you ever had a moment where nothing matters?
Your whole world slows down, you've either hit rock bottom, or your in thinking mode. We all have moments, where we actually couldn't care less of what other people think of us, we block out everyone and everything in this moment.
This moment normally only lasts for a while, then we get back to the world, and all of a sudden, everything is back to normal. Everything that was once nothing to you, is now everything again. Our minds can be strange how they work, we have our good days and our bad, and then there is those days in between when all we feel is stillness. I always wonder what other people are thinking, when they talk to me, see me, or what they actually think of me as a person. which leads me to the next question.. "If i was my own friend, would i be my friend?" If this doesn't make sense to you, maybe just ask yourself, if you would like who you are, if you stepped outside the box. Im sure we all have our close friends, the ones who we can truly rely on, the people who encourage us when we are feeling down, who lift us up when were sad. The friend who we can have fun with, go crazy with (for no apparent reason). We all have a best friend. I am truly blessed with the friends i have around me, if i have a bad day, they life me up, give me hope. Forgive me when i do the wrong thing, say the wrong words, or simply hurt them. We all get hurt, but we have to believe and have hope in the small things because they are the times that add up to what we get out of life. Moments can last, we can have moments of fun, hope, love, loss, sadness, etc... Moments when nothing else matters, are the times when we are alone, thinking, observing life and the time we have around us. Space is surly needed in this world. Though this world may be big, we need head space, time to think, relax, and clear our heads, so we can have good moments. So that maybe we can make a good moment to the others around us. as i learnt from a friend recently, "live the world you want to see 24/7"! wise words i would say. I guess that follows with, 'love your neighbor as yourself", and "live each day like its your last"! sometimes we forget about our time here, taking it for granted. We grow, learn, love. I also think people sometimes forget to be who THEY are! they can talk, and act like they are so different in different situations,  just remember, YOU are perfect the way you are, individually made we are, but we are all created in one image! Forgive and forget, love and learn, and learn to love.
PEACE OUT :)

sometimes words don't work.

Emotions can get to you. They can change so rapidly. And sometimes you can't even explain what your emotions are. This is when music and lyrics come in handy. Some music can relate to how we feel, and connect to our emotions in a way I cant describe. just some lyrics in my day today.

"Well you put me on the spot, i don't know what to say but I'm trying anyway.. Like my hearts gonna drop, my mind drifts away, and i cant control the pace."
Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say, or to even say the right thing. Sometimes we can have it all planned out in our head, of what to say and how its going to go, but really when it comes to that, its completely different. At the end of it all we might not have even said anything of what we planned, we could walk away regretting our actions, or regretting saying the wrong thing. Words can be hard to say in different situations, especially when we don't know what to say. People can disagree or not even listen at all. I guess I have to try and remind myself, that even though sometimes people cant understand what I'm saying, or understand the way i think and act, that we are all different, and we can change for short periods of time, it just depends of what's going on around us. But its life. You could pour your whole heart out to someone, and they might not say anything at all, or even try and deal with what you have just said, they just move on, with their own opinions and life. We all have to find that someone who listen to our words, even when our words come out wrong, hurtful or strange. Because they are the people who actually care, listen and encourage us through our walk of life. some more lyrics I've been listening today.

"They say you know, when you really find the one. But its hard to tell with the damage thats been done. Id like to say that its your fault but i know better, Im a fool to think you'd wait around forever. Maybe i Should of shown, that i still do care about you more then you could know, don't say its too late to try, to make it right."
Well though we all can say the wrong thing, do something wrong.. etc. Our friendships have its ups and its downs. I get we cant help our feelings at a certain time. we can be thrown down, and our emotions start to become reality, when we start to talk about them. We have to trust in ourselfs more, so that we can like what we say to others. Others might not accept your efforts, but as I've learnt in the recent past, it might not be what that someone else wants to hear. so sometimes we have to "build the bridge, and walk across the other side"

a purpose

We don't know when its coming.. the end of the world or when were gonna pass on to the next life.. Its weird to think "how am i alive?" or "why are we here?" we all know how were made, but why are we here? Whats the purpose of us.. I mean one day the world is going to end and what would the point be, so we could have a relationship, a family, a life on this earth, but when it ends, wouldn't it be all for nothing?. Katherine Elizabeth Gerrand, with a purpose for being on this earth? Man I've gotta figure this out!! I want to discover life yet, I don't want to regret my life, because we only have on on this earth or wake up tomorrow wishing the day before never happened, i want to discover my purpose.. But wheres my next step? Maybe ill travel around, searching the world, but what if i never find what I'm looking for? what happens then.. i cant give up on searching.. i guess we all feel the need to know what else is out there? most of us probably don't know everyone on the same street as us, I'm sure we have seen them around, but these people are around us in our life living in the same place and city, and were in theirs!  Its weird how we don't know the people closest to us, strange how this world operates. Everyday at school, i see someone new, who i haven't seen before, yet there we are both going to to the same school, at the same place, and the same time... just a thought

Reality.

Its different to all of us, those who believe certain things, who see situations differently, how our mind basically works, and how we have been brought up. Reality can be tough, some choose to believe certain things…. Parents (as we all know), lead there children to believe in “Santa” the “Easter bunny” the “tooth fairy”… all while we are growing up! But why? So reality can seem better? A magical place? A mysterious place, where great things happen? Or so were not so disappointed with life?

Well I know as we get older we all seem to get disappointed with reality, we have different experiences, ways of living, that all seem to happen differently. Reality can shock some, for others it just sucks and it can be an enduring process. Weather if its figuring out if “Santa” is real or not, or simply working out that school was only leading up to one thing; work, and if you don't work, you study even more. figuring out that life is a simple routine . I guess we all have to make reality seem great, for life to actually seem great. Cause without the reality of life, I guess life cannot be what life is like for us. But is life reality? Well life is and isn't reality, it has its ups and downs, we all pretend every now and then, we cry, we laugh, have our good and bad weeks or days, but we are all here, facing as what we know is life and reality each and everyday. Reality can face us in the most un-natural ways, we could wake up one morning and our whole perspective on something can change, we might not laugh at the things we used to, enjoy what we once loved, or cry at the things we cried for. My reality right now is going to school, working 3 shifts a week, going to church and youth, and occasionally catching up with a friend here and there. It has ups and downs, I'm sure everyones life does. Sometimes I think I’m “un-greatful” for my life, and the reality i face. I know a lot of the time we seem to want more. More of what we know other people have, or hear something and all of a sudden we might want that one "thing" too. What we see all around us effects our being and who we are, and what we act like. I know life will have its ups and downs, we will face sadness and grief, happiness and joy, peace and love, anger and hurt. In life we face reality. I guess we have to enjoy the adventure we have, because our adventure, is our reality and our reality is our life.

im-perfection...

we all have doubts about who we are in this world, and who we are within ourselfs.

im-perfection, is there such thing?

"Apparently" we are all created equal, and in his image. in other words we are all like him.
we all have flaws, yes it may be that, one might talk to much, gossip, brag, annoy, not say the right thing at one time... but flaws within ourselfs can be different.
we all see ourselfs differently to what other people see through their eyes. Not only do we doubt who
we are, we point out all the little things that we know and see that "we dont like" or "want to change"
about ourselfs. Yet in our minds we judge, we judge all those around us, even if we don't mean to we still find ourselves judging... and for what? so we can feel pity? Or so we feel better about ourselfs..

But is it human nature?

 no wonder why we feel as if we are incapable or imperfect. we judge everyone around us, and when we stand in the mirror, we judge ourselves maybe because everyone is constantly judging. 

Well my only hope is that i can no longer judge so that maybe no one would judge me, even if its for the smallest of things because we don't even have the right to judge one another... we judge the people we don't even know or never seen until now.

  On that note i leave my conclusion to be, "You are PERFECT, we all forget it because of the flaws God has given us, but be greatful you have them, because without them, you; wouldnt be YOU! "

fear...

we all have it. fear of letting go, fear to love, fear to lose the things we tresure. fear to speak out, fear to feel, fear of the future, fear of the past. i know i have fear.. fear of now, what my life brings, and how im meant to deal with everything thats going on. i cant let fear swallow my life. its hard to hold on to the light we have, that little hope we have. its hard to go to sleep at night only to wake up to do something you dont want to be doing. the fear of waking, going, doing... i need hope for going and doing. the lord is my shepard. i shall have no fear through him. AMEN

Thinking...

Sometimes. I think.  and i think too much.
About life and all it brings.
 about promises i've made and the ones i've broken.
 the things i've done within my life.
The people i've met along the way. if they will be in my future or just today?
i keep my mouth shut on alot of things. only to protect the friendships i have.
worried of losing someone i love.
Alot of things have happened, alot of them gone wrong.
People get hurt along the way, but it makes them into who they are this very day.
schools such a mess, i don't like it at all..
there's something about it that lets me fall.
hold me closer, closer to you.
though its hard, know i still love you.
The vibe is strong, yet i am weak.
Still i stand strong, only for you.
Only your burning light gets me through.

fearless..

a word we are all incapable of. to have no fear... its almost impossible.We say we follow our heart, by heart do we mean soul? by soul do we mean God? we follow what we believe, sacrifice things we have, stand for the things we love, and defend for our humanity. is seing believing?

things to say

theres so many things this world can bring, happiness and joy, anger and regret, peace and love, passion and fear... this world is a strange home to us all. i always think of what it will be like when im not here? its mostly the fear of what im going to be missing out on. though i know i wont have fear, hate, regret, or anger.. i will have peace, happiness and joy. i guess thats what im mostly looking forward to! though there a good days, im blessed with this life, so i mise well live it as well as i can. try be that hope one cant have, try be the rock under ones feet, or that friend you can always count on. as the bible says "love your nieghbour as yourself". i think sometimes we forget, take out all the passion, anger, fear and regret on someone else, and make a hole in their blessed life. We are all here to encourage one another. i know the people i know today for a good reason, they encourage me lift me up, so now its my turn... Lord i never want to fall out of your love, your amazing grace, keep me at your pace, so i can learn to love like you ♥

the afternoon...

i always find, every afternoon, im tired, not matter what even if ive just lazed around ill still be tired. its strange how our bodys work.. how were all created a certain way. 10 fingers and 10 toes thats all that counts. not only are we all created perfectly, we are all created for a reason. sometimes i find it hard to believe we are created for a reason, but we are, individuality is a gift, and we shouldnt hide ourselfs only to be wanting to be like another. its hard to watch some, who "get a hair cut" or "get this" only because someone else does. i guess in a way its hard to know who ourself can be. you just gotta be strong, repect your self. how can we expect others to respect us if we cant even respect ourselfs? just a thought of the day.

first blog...

well it certainly seems strange for me to be posting my personal thoughts o the web... but i thought why not? sometimes people do some strange things.. so here goes. Well my name is Katherine Elizabeth Gerrand, you may or may not no me, im 17 years old, in year 12. im a twin... which has its ups and downs. i love photography... wow i really dont know much else to say here, its gonna be harder then it loooks to write something decent. ill have to do my research :)