one of those days.

Well today has been full of nothing but it feels like everything is happening at once. Ever had one of those days? Nothing really happens, but its so full of your mind thinking about everything that should be going on that its draining. All i really did was go to school for one hour, go home, and go to the doctors to have a blood test. I should of been doing folio work, working on my homework, but i couldnt seem to find the inner energy that it takes. And what makes it worst? its not the end of the week. Only Thursday. I should be working out friendships, talking and supporting other people, having time to relax, buy im to tired to actually relax, i know that it may not make sense to who ever even reads this, but let me tell you its possible. I shouldn't be falling asleep after a short day. But the point is im tired, stressed, and drained emotionally and physically. Its year 12, 2 folios due in 2 weeks, 3 shifts a week and safeway (which makes me more drained and stressed cause its time i could use), its not knowing what my life is going to hold, not knowing what to even do with myself when there is so many things that should be done. I could write on forever. I even blog, when im stressing about time. Maybe because if I start on my work, it will make me more tired. And the fact i cant stop thinking at the moment. Worrying about friends, what they have going on in their lives. One thing about me is that I could sit and wait forever, for something to happen. for the past 4 hours I have been listening to one song over and over. "last kiss" by Taylor Swift. I dont know why I even keep listening to it. I like the instrumental, and melody. I''m just not sure. You know what how can I be sure of anything anymore? When you think you trust someone, and you know them really well, then you stop to think, and maybe you dont? maybe they dont know you as well either, not matter how hard you try, it just dosnt seem to work. Latley I have been planning out sittuations in my head, good ones, that i want my future to hold with certain people. I let my mind escape, into worlds that arn't real. And then all i get when i figure out they arn't ever going to happen? Disapointment. So then the cycle happens again. I think, worry, have no energy, dont do anything, get stressed, and then disapointed because through all that I hope for the best. Well who ever has read this, (which would probably be my Mum.), you probably think im crazy, or a bit weird. Thats ok, cause at the moment, I don't really care what you think of me. I can be craazy, and I know I am weird. I have to accept that I think way to much almost beyond my capacity to think, my brain might even explode soon. So if it does, just know i would be in a better place. A place unlike this world. It doesn't hold anger, or judgement, a place where I wouldn't feel emotionally and physically drained, a place where I can dance all the time, and have joy 24/7. But I love my life, i guess its full of adventure. Sometimes i want more, and sometimes i want less of somethings. Including school and work. It would be great if I could stand on my own, and choose to do the things God has planned for me. Like go to America (where i obviously want to go). Go help those who need another hand. Travel to countries like Europe and Asia. Eat a frog leg or two. Thats the kind of adventure i would love to endure in. So fingers crossed. Hopefully one day. :) well i think I've rambled on enough now. -- Kath

A master piece?

Well apparently, we are all a master piece in Gods eyes. Yet I don't feel that perfection he see's in me. I have flaws. We all do. Im finding it hard to see myself through God's eyes. I point out every little detail I dont like about myself. I think sometimes we forget that we are perfect in Gods eyes. We judge, we dislike, we try hard to be someone we want to be. So this is my prayer. "God i know, you see me as your master piece, help remind me daily. Help me to want to be the person you have created me to be. Lead me in your direction. Show me you've created me with perfection. My desire is to be like you, to stay strong, face each day with a joyful heart. Protect my heart from sinful ways. Help me to love, encourage, and support others. My desire is to stay strong. To love and feel like i belong. Lord, I'm going to follow you all of my ways and all of my days. I trust in your plan, what ever it may be.. Help me to follow your dreams you have for me. I belong to you, so that in all i do, help me to stay true. amen."

A reason?

I'm thinking there is a reason for everything. I mean there has to be right? Why wouldn't there be a reason.. why we dream, why we laugh, why we cry, why we want to be loved, and we want to love.  Sometimes it can be hard to figure out the reason for the bad things that occur in life. Why we lose the people we love the most, why we fade from some friendships, and why we feel the need to step away from some, or when something you don't want to happen in life happens. Life can be muddled up, and might not turn out the way we want it to. We can have all these images and pictures we want our future to include, weather its a dream job, to have a family, or a relationship... but that door might close and another will open, in the end your plan will work its self out. A door has opened, and i feel the need and the want to go to New York Film Academy. Well, its a dream.. and for some reason i have this dream. I've always wanted to go to America, or live there.. But I never had a reason to. Well now i do, even if its for a short period of time. This door might lead to another. So I'm going to try and pursue in this dream of mine, and hopefully go there in the next few years. If its meant to be, it will happen. I'm sure there is a greater reason why i love photography, so i guess i have to explore that, to find the reason. who knows where it will take me, who knows if i will enjoy it, who knows if ill even go. But ill have to wait to see what happens...
-- Kath

big couple of weeks

Well, well, well... what a big couple of weeks it has been at the Gerrand's house! With Jack Johnston (famous sculptor) over from America staying with my grandparents, but practically at our house 24/7. Teaching all these ladies how to sculpt dolls in our house, it has been full on. Jenny also gave up her room for two ladies that were staying with us for 4 days. So though it doesn't seem like much there are also things like school, including two folios that are due in 3 weeks which basically means my social life is gone! Sacs galore in year 12!  working 3 shifts a week gets full on, so by the end of the week I'm so glad its over, only to start the week all over again. Life can be tough but with out the loving supportive family and friends i have, i wouldn't get through.
17= a weird age, where adults seeing us been as mischief, where we feel grown up almost being 18 yet we still seem young to everyone else. I don't feel like a young "little" girl anymore. I want to be able to explore the world and what I'm meant to be doing with my life. Yet still being in school, no one seems to give us a chance. I'm not entirely sure what people see as our age level to be, but its almost a dud age. Where your not old enough to do anything, or be seen as mature. But not young enough to seem innocent, or a kid. so i guess ill have to at least try and enjoy the good moments while I can :) spare the time that i have left in school, and make time for myself and friends. Some people are so serious about year 12. i guess you would have to be if you know what you want to do. But what if you don't? how can you try your best if you don't even want to do those things later, its almost a waste of time. But we are all expected to complete year 12 so that we can pursue in the qualification and job you would like. Thats why had to move schools this year, to study in Photography, to build up folios. So, not matter how bad this school can get, or no matter how much i don't enjoy it, I need to stay positive.
well thats it from my mind at the moment. Pretty sure there is other things up there too, but i won't be sharing those just yet :) ----- Kath

Small group.

wow oh wow! Am I blessed to know God. In small group today we came up with thoughts that, got us thinking, but were so interesting to figure out, and amazing to hear what God had to say. Some of the questions coming up today were... Why did God put us here on earth in the first place? Why did God create us in the firstly? Why did he send Jesus here to die for us? Where do animals go, when they die? We came to the conclusion that God is the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. That though we have a choice, to love him or not, that he is always going to be in our lives, and we can not avoid that. examples; people curse his name, yet we dont hear of people cursing buddahs name or anyother "god". Every coin has the year it was made. The year is the amount of time after Jesus being born here on this earth. The years are calculated by when he was on earth! 2011, is 2011 years after our God was here on earth, and died for all our sins. We either decieve Jesus as being, a mad man, a bad man OR we can believe that he was who he said he was, "The Son of God". And there is way more proof that Jesuswas the Son of God. The tomb is empty, people watched him perform miracles, he rose from the dead, there a billions of people who still believe and follow him amd his word today. God created earth so that we could have a relationship with him. To experience his love ourselfs. God is love! Though some don't think that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, He was some man, to say he was the bread of life. He must of been some man to have died for all our sins. He must of been some man that the year is known after he was here. He must of been some man, that his word is True and billions of people still today have a relationship with him. He must of been some man that the grave couldnt hold him, and he rose from the dead! He is God to all, not matter how far you try and run, or seperate yourself from him on earth, you will face him again. When the time comes, you will stand before him.

Can't wait!

We have so much freedom but we don't even know it. Here we can have a life,  that can be filled with anything. Love, happiness, joy, family and friends. We all have a love void, which has been influenced by how we have been brought up, and the different situations and problems and struggled in our lives, that will impact on our future. But that makes us who we are. After a long 13 years of school, we can then start our journey in a new sense, being 18 can bring changes that we have to face, its how we deal with those, and respect the choices we make. Being classified as an adult. being only a little while away to this, I can tell you that I'm excited. excited to face situations that God has planned for me, that will make me stronger, make me who God has planned for me to be. So the count down begins :) 

The end of my story in 3rd person.

 From the outside, and to the people that surrounded her, she was beaming, taking no chances in being seen as a small immature girl. Standing with confidence, and with a petite smile on her face. She was going to show her maturity, show that she could speak her mind, and not be ashamed.

  On the inside, she was screaming, trying to know how to feel, what to even say, and not wanting to look stupid.  Feeling crazy with all these unknown thoughts streaming through her mind, she was yet to figure out what would happen from here.

Clenching onto her bag, She casually starts to walk over to him.  The intense feeling you get when your going on a rollercoaster was running down her legs, her heart was pumping, and she was trying not to bite her own lip.  

She stands strong, smiles, and tries not to feel the bumps of the rollercoaster.  No one else knew what was going through her head, let alone understand the thoughts running through her mind at this point in time. She kept it cool, she figured it was safer to pretend like she didn’t know his name, like she didn’t look forward to see him every week.  Its not like he is first person she looks for every time she comes here. No she went on with her real reality, where they didn’t talk, or see each other anywhere other then here. Though she was dying to be apart of his world, and his reality, she had to stick to her own, so that maybe one day it could be possible for their realities to become one. Not one person can fully understand the feelings and her mind, and made up reality with this person. She decided she was invisible, and it was going to stay that way until he thought otherwise.