My Family || A picture is worth a thousand words ||

Family, there is nothing like it. Honestly I can't remember ever not having the blessing of family. For most of us, we are blessed with family. I know I am very blessed with my family, For as long as I have been alive, my family have blessed me. Every Birthday, Christmas, and special occasions, we celebrate with family. They have always been here. I love them.

 

from left: Grandad (camera in hand) Nan (beautiful smile) Mum & Dad (watching as Steph blows out her birthday candles for the 18th time)

 

 

This last Christmas (2013) was when I realised no one is perfect. Even the people you are closest to, or you thought you knew. Though of course I knew that before somehow we can be blinded by our own expectations or thoughts, that hide away the disappointing truth we don't want to face.

 

      Grandpa. Christmas 2013

A bit tired after an emotional day, as the years go on, we all get older.

 

 

And as we get older, learn new things, people grow, family grows.

I am so blessed to be the oldest of the Grandchildren, it means I am blessed with younger cousins.

Taylar and I

 (oldest and youngest Grandkids) She is such a beautiful girl, so blessed to see her grow up!

 

 

 

 I think it's made me realise; watching my aunties and uncles become amazing parents themselves, how much of a blessing my own parents are too. Mum was 22 when she had Jen and I. Being 20 now, it must of been a big change having twins by that stage in your life. But God defiantly has everything in His hands. We have moved a little, and plan on moving again this year. After being at this house for 12 years now, it'll be hard to move, but I'm keen for a new adventure.  

 

My Aunty Jac with her daughter ( my cousin) Autumn. such a beautiful little family!

 

 

 I am blessed to be a twin, and though it has it's moments and our whole life we have felt compared, Jen is the most honest person in my life. Because we have grown up together, we have no shame, and we can be completely blunt with one another. Though It can be a disadvantage in our relationship, I think we have a lot of respect for one another.

 There is something about being a twin, it's different then having a sibling. After all God did create us at the exact same time, so we have always been blessed with each other.

Steph, what can I say about her, she is such a beautiful girl. I think watching her grow up has had a big impact on my life. Turing 18 a few months ago really got me thinking. One day we are all young, everyone looks young, and then you wake up and everyone is older. People have changed.

Jen & Taylar. A beautiful moment between generations.

 

 

 
 
Life is really just a small glimpse, and then we have eternity. We are blessed to even be apart of this world, to grow old, to be blessed with family, and relationships & friends. I am still blessed to have all 4 Grandparents alive. To hear about their journey, and watch them in theirs! My Grandad and Grandpa, two Men who have always loved, and encouraged me in my Photography and Faith.

Left: Grandad (John Gerrand) He has always encouraged me, taken time to know us, and encourages me in my photography work. Right: Grandpa (David Cadman) For as long as I have known him, He has been a strong man of faith, and has encouraged my faith and walk with Jesus.  So blessed!



 I love watching my Grandma love on her grand children, and become over joyed! Her laugh is contagious, and her smile brightens the room. She is the most compassionate person, and always lightens the mood with her sense of humour. There is so much joy and blessing in family, even though we aren't perfect, we are all created in one image; God. And He blesses us with such joy.

 Grandma with Taylar. 1st and 3rd Generation. So much joy in this photograph.



My Dad (Dave) So blessed to have him being the biggest male role model in my life, though we are very different, he has taught me a lot. He is compassionate, he has worked hard all his life and somehow overcomes the little bumps in life, and has always seen the bigger picture. Watching him get older is great, although I get to make fun of him, it has only grown our relationship. Couldn't imagine life without him!

 

A few captured moments of my beautiful family......

 

Pete and Autumn

Dave and Taylar

 

Steph's 18th

 Jac & Autumn

Taylar with a balloon

Benedict, love this kid

Emma, my other twin cuz

Jen and Autumn

Grandpa, what a cutie.

Leonie and Taylar

 

 As time goes by, we all get older, family grows, wrinkles come, people change, past events may change future ones, but in family there is love. There is God. And through and in Him- we can get through anything.

I am forever Blessed!

 

A story takes time, and time is a beautiful thing.

I've come to the conclusion that time although we age, is a beautiful thing. The other night was my cousin Benedicts school concert at Box Hill town hall. My aunty invited me, so I went a long to see him perform. A dew songs and some dancing.
As I was walking towards the hall, I saw in the distance my Grandma standing there. She always has a smile on her face and a warm welcome. She is one of those people anyone could get along with.
We walked in together to find my aunty and take a seat. As we were sitting and waiting- the hall was filling with loud kids and parents who wanted to sit as close to the front as possible. My Grandma leaned over to me and said with a massive smile on her face "I met your Grandpa here". Instantly my mind too me back 50 years, as she was describing their first meeting...
They both had gone dancing, ballroom dancing. (Yeah, guys actually did that back then). Apparently Grandpa spotted her on the other side of the room, and was instantly drawn towards her. So he gathered himself together and asks her to dance (how romantic). This particular dance my Grandma loved, so you can imagine her excitment.
If anyone knows my Grandma, she loves to talk. And thats what she did. As they danced, she went on and on about how much she loved this dance. Once the dance was over and she had finished talking; she stood back against the wall. The next song started.. and Grandma was waiting for him to ask her again. But he didn't. So She tought she had just made a fool of herself. Little did she know that he was waiting for the same type of dance to come on (her favorite) so he could ask her to dance a again..
The next week they met again, and then the next...
And from there on the rest is history. As I sat in the town hall watching my cousin perform, watching the time go past and seeing how time has the biggest impact on our lives. I looked across to my grandma, who once again sat in the same hall she met her husband in, only 50 years later watching one of her 10 Grand children perform. A massive smile on her face. I had a warm heart, my thoughts were filled with joy as I saw joy in her heart.  And it all started with a greeting and a dance..
One thing I have learnt from the past few months has been accepting time. Aceppting life as it comes. Our journies are all different, but they are for a greater purpose. We are created for a greater purpose.
Time is short, beautiful and strong, live every opportunity, create every moment, and live in todays time, tomorrows will come.

Breathe

That's what I tell myself every time I hear your name "Just breathe". A breath is all it can take to speak, to make someone fall, to make someone smile, to turn someones world upside down.  A breath is something in life, we take for granted. It's one thing that when used well, can be beautiful, and when abused can cause distruction.
We all go through loss, weather it be family, friends or relationships. It's never easy, it's never clear. Confusion comes, rejection comes, hurt and fear take place. The heart yearns for love.
It still seems to amaze me how time can change things, so radically and so suddenly.  Yet at the same time, the time that has changed things, seems so short.  When you look back on time, we seem to remember the good things- unless your heart was broken, or it hurt, something changed in you-  you remember it all.
I guess it can be a good thing, to realise the past, accept it and come to terms with it. We all learn from the past, mistakes or brokeness, joy and happiness, we learn who we are, but also become who we are.
I have learnt a lot recently, about myself, how I cope with time in heart ache and being me, in emotion and in this world.  I've come to the conclusion that all I need to overcome temptaions, trials, errors and in my weakness- All I need is His strength.
God controls time, time is in His hands. Aswell as my worries, my career, my relationships, my journey. All in His hands. I am beautiful, loved and seen as pure in Gods eyes, and that is all I need to satisfy all of me.
It's an easy thing to take for granted. After all salvation, and Gods grace is too big for our minds to even comprehend. So ofcourse it's going to be hard to accept someone like Jesus into your life...It just takes trust.
Life is like a photograph...God should be the focus point in our Lens- or in our lives- When we loose our focus point, it can become hard to see what the picture is meant to be of. It can be hard to realise our true purpose and creation.
So every time I have to take a deep breath and just...breathe. I look to Jesus. He is my fufillment, my peace, my Grace, Hope, forgiveness,  Love. He is my focus point. That way all I have to do continue to trust Him, allow Him to work through me, and enjoy the veiw. Sometimes my view aint so great, but it's what we have that makes me appreciate life and the view I do have- it's Gods unfailing, never changing, perfectly satisfying,  forever enduring love for me. It's all I will ever need.
Amen.

The things I would say.

I don't know how to tell if I've let you go, how can you?
 You always seem to still be there. No matter how hard I try, you always seem to stay. Even though I was broken. you broke me, maybe used me, I think. Unless I took the fall and I broke myself for a reason I thought would stay. And you do, just not in that way! So maybe I should blame myself for playing your games. 
I guess I've tried to stop, told my heart it was broken enough on that cold April night- even before that time, I was breaking on the inside. I needed to find me again, me without the love and care I poured into you.. I was tired of being so run down. I tried to convince myself I deserve better, but I dont think it will ever work, somehow I will always have so much respect, honor, and love for you, even though you broke me in two.  
I was so broken for so long. I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt when you left. I struggled more knowing that it was easy for you to let go of our friendship, after I was there for you for so long. I would hear your name, your voice in my head, and just about cry, And I know you know what that feels like.. Memories pass- the good and bad, and tears would stream down my face like it happened all over again. I struggled and there were days I wished I had never met you, times where I wish I hadn't cared so much, and times where I wanted to run to you because I couldn't help but care still.. 
 Now I realize where I was weak and made you strong. Times where I fell, and without knowing it picked me up. Whenever you were broken, I was there, because you knew I cared. I guess you used it to your advantage. I get confused, a little upset, because I can't decide if you ever cared at all, and if you still do? 
It's a question I may never know the answer to. 
Now I see where all my strength and love went- to you.
And so my time and my heart gave in. I loved you. 
I don't know what your plan was, to drag me along? All I know is what's done, is done. 

I fell in love and had so much hope. I wanted to be that one for you, although I knew I couldn't be. I guess I cant figure out why. Maybe that's why you're still there, maybe it's why I still care. 

I'm doing better, I know I'm okay. but there must be deeper healing to be done
Now i'll take this time to seek my one true love, who I really need. 
Jesus is my rock and my foundation, He is my True and only Love. I know I loved you for a reason, and I know it was a season. I guess I still have questions, and thats why I will constantly wonder. 

For now I'll except the time we shared, the words that were said and how I cared. 
I'll burn the seeds my heart grew for you, after all it's all I can do. 
A new chapter, something new, just gotta figure out how to say goodbye, cause I just miss you. 

Seasons of 2013

Well friends, it has actually been super log since I last blogged. Why? I have no idea... Time passes way to quickly for my liking these days.
Anyway, it has defiantly been and interesting year for me so far.. It has had its ups and downs, highs and lows. I think I have grown more in my faith, and in my relationship with God. Which is amazing, He may not have used the best circumstances but hey, everything happens for the greater purpose of Him. So, as much as it was challenging, heart breaking, and painful, relationships have been torn, as well as myself emotionally and spiritually. I know I will come out on top of all of this, because God is my rock, and my only strength.

Have you ever loved?
You most likely have. I'm not talking about family, friends or pets, I mean loved.
Let your heart get away, given your heart away.

I have.
It was an adventure, Well I guess that's what love is. It's sharing yourself, and putting someone else's needs above your own.
I loved, and lost.
But I basically lost what I never had. I had my heart torn away and I had to find myself again, because I was so lost in the "love" I had created.

It is a choice, to love. Although I lied to myself for way too long about if I did love or not.
I knew I did, but I couldn't admit it out loud, because I knew deep down that it wasn't right. I just wanted, hoped it would be, one day.

Time passed, people changed, I supported, still hoped, and never let go. Even though it was killing my to hold on, It would of killed me more to let go, because i loved too much.

One day it will all make sense, and it's starting to.. slowly.
I will always still care, I can't but not. Because once you love, it's hard not to let it go. because it's so great. he's so great.

I consider myself blessed, blessed to love and be loved by my one true love, Jesus.
Seasons of life happen. And so winter comes to a near end, happier days are ahead. My joy alone comes from Jesus. his grace, strength and constant never failing love, is all that keeps me running to Him.
He is all I need.

Where am I going?

There is a question we all come across in life and that's "where are we going".
And it's pretty relevant to every part and stage of our life. Where are you going?
Well, it's a simple answer. We don't exactly know. Times change, our hearts change and values in life change. Often sometimes, sometimes rarely. But we all face change.
it's a normal aspect if life. There's change for the good, but there is also bad change. And in life we face both the bad and the good. And sooner or later we have to face it, deal with it, and keep moving forward. No matter how hard it is to forget the people we have met along the way, the journey that is about to end or the chapter in life that we are passing through.
There's going to be a new chapter when old ones end.
New chapters come with seasons of work, friendships, relationships, change and different seasons. But life goes on.
I know it can be hard though, to keep moving when your stuck in the past or in the reality you want to be living in, then what you should be living in.

Which reminds me of something. Have you ever poured your heart out to someone- been completely real- and completely open?
I have. And I've recently learnt that emotions and fear can get in the way. As humans we can often have fear about what certain emotions can lead to.
Which can also lead to relationships and situations being broken from the insecure emotions we feel.
I've felt this. This emptiness after a close friend decides to stop talking to you, the pain you feel when you can't understand why, the emotions start to drag on because you want to know and understand- but you can't begin to explain how you feel- let alone what to say or do- cause you might make the whole situation worse. So you have a choice- to move on or keep stuck. Which is hard when someone means that much to you that you don't want to move on.
You know the hardest part of moving on? Is letting go.
It is defiantly not an easy thing. You need grace peace and patients. I find I also often need to have a full understanding of situations. I often find myself stuck because I want to know why the situation ended. We are all at different spits in life right? We are all growing differently yet together at once. Which is hard because we are going to clash and not understand certain things, yet we want to.
It's hard when our emotions can be completely unsure.
This is why we smile, say things like "I'm fine" and move on.
I guess facing some situations can be difficult just because you have no idea how they are going to end.
So we still keep hope. Hoping that things will work out, everything will smooth over and life can go on happily.

We don't know where we are going in life. But we are all growing and moving forward.
Our stories and situations on journeys grow and shape us to who we are. So remember that even when life is tough- you will only come out stronger.

Finding grace in the midst our own emotions.

To start with, 

I haven't blogged in a very long time, so ill start with Hi. Hello, and Hey. 

It has been about 4 months since I last wrote. It seems a lot hasn't exactly happened. But at the same time a lot has happened. Maybe not in life, but in my heart. I warn you now, this all comes from me. Which means if it's boring, if it's too much for you- I'm sorry. But I heard a quote once "Don't say sorry for being honest". So maybe, just maybe... I'm not that sorry. And it's hard for me to be honest- though I'm learning that being myself is possibly the most hardest- yet easiest thing to do. Anyways... 

I have been challenged in small and big ways, in my faith and in the choices that life brings. 

I have grown in my faith, not just my faith for God, but my faith for people. Like I said in my April post I grew a lot in God and how I see this world. I have been trying to live out how I feel towards people and the way I see people. I try and see people for the way God has created them. Not how the world has created them. God makes all things good and this world brings hurt, pain and confusion. 

Over the past 2 months I've learnt a lot about how to respond to these things. Some days over these months I have found myself cringing at the thought of emotions or feelings cause honestly- they can suck. It can be easy to know how you feel, but is it from your heart, or your head? Trying to understand this can be kind of daunting. 

It's not an easy thing to be sitting on top of conflict, it's not an easy thing to be sitting in pain, or pretending that you're heart isn't getting torn into pieces.  But using all your own hurt and pain to respond in a way that isn't right; only creates more of it.  But how do you begin to move on, or get over the pain when you don't want to face the conflict or hurt the other people around you, or make something an issue when it shouldn't be? We all have our issues, our troubles and challenges in life, and that's okay- it's how we learn grown and encourage one another in our own journeys. 

 I think I've often found myself being stuck in this place lately; where my own battles come from the people who are closest to me, where we are in fact challenged by the people we love, because of their importance, and their heart. When you get to know someone and their heart, your own heart can often be challenged, conflict can step in and you have to face it. If the friendship is important to you, you have to talk things out, and before everything- you have to put God first. 

 Have you ever had moments in life where you have so much to say, your heart and soul just wants to start singing to the world all these different words.. And then when you get the chance, you get in the moment where the opportunity arises, you then stand there, with your mind skipping through everything that you once thought that can't pick out what to say. Your heart beats 10 times faster, your body just freezes and you start to look a little crazy... Its a natural tendency and sometimes I don't think our bodies can help it. Unfortunately,

I have way to many of those moments.

Have you ever thought you knew someone really well? Then one day you wake up and you realize that you don't actually know them as well as you think. Or they meant 80% more to you, just the other day. A lot of it is to do with our choice on how we choose to love people. Often we can find ourselves in "un-even" friendships or relationships. Where it isn't as emotionally even as you thought.. You find that the other person is way more important to you, then you are to them. And I can tell you, it is not an easy thing to realize. Your emotions are constantly unstable. Worry, confusion and self esteem step in the way. which leaves you questioning relationships. And when you start questioning relationships, you generally start questioning the person. It isn't healthy. It leaves you feeling like the friendship doesn't exist, in the way you want it to. But it mostly makes you feel disappointed. Because we all want love. 

Thinking seems to take over my mind quite a bit, (obviously) and if you know me well, you would know that I think about things until they are sorted out, or until the conflict has gone or until I full understand where everyone stands and how they feel.  Maybe because I want to try and see the best out of situations, or my relationships with people. I want to make sure everyone is going to be okay, so that I can be okay. People mean a lot to me, especially the people I'm closest with. Though with friendships- you have to work at them, like any relationship. If you don't the friendship of course isn't as strong, or as intimate. (intimate is a weird word).

Also, if you know me well enough; you would know that quality time means a lot to me. The more time I spend with you- the more I feel close, and the more I value the friendship. Probably because I feel like you value me more. Which when I think about it, is kind of stupid. But hey. 

What's hard is when you care so much about someone, and it then starts to feel like they don't care about you. Once again this is where disappointment, hurt and confusion come crushing you, because emotionally you don't know where the friendship stands.  

But how do you begin to explain to someone that they are un-intentionally hurting you? How do you begin to explain that to anyone. You cant. Because it's only going to hurt them. And I don't like to intentionally hurt people. Part of being a good friend for people, is having to let go all your emotions to be able to support them, and love them despite our differences and our own struggles. Because that's what God has called us to do. To love as he loves, and to do it with your every being.   

So, I found myself in this situation where I was being un-intentionally hurt, because my emotions were getting spun into the business, and craziness of life. I left my self esteem drift, and I was letting what I heard and what other people thought get ahead of the truth. The truth can be hard to differentiate, especially when your lost in your own mind.  Though I was trying to figure out these situations, at the same time I was being grown and serving, and loving. It's amazing how much grace you can have when you least expect it. When you are being constantly get at. 

The truth that I have found is- You and I are worth more. Worth more then the pain and the hurt, the disappointment and confusion we all go through time to time. Yes- it's not an easy concept to live out day to day, and we can drift, and let the our struggles become bigger. And they do, that happens, it's a constant battle. But this is how we learn and grow. We learn more about ourselves and how we react to differences.

When we give everything to God, we have to understand that His way is the only way. 

I've learnt that as humans we naturally want to take control, or take charge at a situation. Because "we know best". Well we often don't. 

We have to learn to be still in his presence and listen to him. We have to be obedient to his ways. We have to listen to His voice. Because when we are patient, and obedient- he's only going to work for the good. 

If you're wondering how my situations panned out- my answer is- I am trying to be obedient. Listen to God, be filled with his grace and mercy. Learning more about God- I find that I am more and more satisfied. Seeing all the good- instead of all the bad. Completely desiring his pure love in my world. And when we desire God- his love his going to be poured out into our hearts, where we find the peace and grace. And all the hurt and pain soon slip away, because of the love God has for us and forgiveness we can have for the people around us, because He constantly forgives us. And it's a challenge, to live and love the way God wants us to. Like he loves us. But in all seriousness- Challenge accepted. 

Yep- that's the end. 

Peaceeeee