To start with,
I haven't blogged in a very long time, so ill start with Hi. Hello, and Hey.
It has been about 4 months since I last wrote. It seems a lot hasn't exactly happened. But at the same time a lot has happened. Maybe not in life, but in my heart. I warn you now, this all comes from me. Which means if it's boring, if it's too much for you- I'm sorry. But I heard a quote once "Don't say sorry for being honest". So maybe, just maybe... I'm not that sorry. And it's hard for me to be honest- though I'm learning that being myself is possibly the most hardest- yet easiest thing to do. Anyways...
I have been challenged in small and big ways, in my faith and in the choices that life brings.
I have grown in my faith, not just my faith for God, but my faith for people. Like I said in my April post I grew a lot in God and how I see this world. I have been trying to live out how I feel towards people and the way I see people. I try and see people for the way God has created them. Not how the world has created them. God makes all things good and this world brings hurt, pain and confusion.
Over the past 2 months I've learnt a lot about how to respond to these things. Some days over these months I have found myself cringing at the thought of emotions or feelings cause honestly- they can suck. It can be easy to know how you feel, but is it from your heart, or your head? Trying to understand this can be kind of daunting.
It's not an easy thing to be sitting on top of conflict, it's not an easy thing to be sitting in pain, or pretending that you're heart isn't getting torn into pieces. But using all your own hurt and pain to respond in a way that isn't right; only creates more of it. But how do you begin to move on, or get over the pain when you don't want to face the conflict or hurt the other people around you, or make something an issue when it shouldn't be? We all have our issues, our troubles and challenges in life, and that's okay- it's how we learn grown and encourage one another in our own journeys.
I think I've often found myself being stuck in this place lately; where my own battles come from the people who are closest to me, where we are in fact challenged by the people we love, because of their importance, and their heart. When you get to know someone and their heart, your own heart can often be challenged, conflict can step in and you have to face it. If the friendship is important to you, you have to talk things out, and before everything- you have to put God first.
Have you ever had moments in life where you have so much to say, your heart and soul just wants to start singing to the world all these different words.. And then when you get the chance, you get in the moment where the opportunity arises, you then stand there, with your mind skipping through everything that you once thought that can't pick out what to say. Your heart beats 10 times faster, your body just freezes and you start to look a little crazy... Its a natural tendency and sometimes I don't think our bodies can help it. Unfortunately,
I have way to many of those moments.
Have you ever thought you knew someone really well? Then one day you wake up and you realize that you don't actually know them as well as you think. Or they meant 80% more to you, just the other day. A lot of it is to do with our choice on how we choose to love people. Often we can find ourselves in "un-even" friendships or relationships. Where it isn't as emotionally even as you thought.. You find that the other person is way more important to you, then you are to them. And I can tell you, it is not an easy thing to realize. Your emotions are constantly unstable. Worry, confusion and self esteem step in the way. which leaves you questioning relationships. And when you start questioning relationships, you generally start questioning the person. It isn't healthy. It leaves you feeling like the friendship doesn't exist, in the way you want it to. But it mostly makes you feel disappointed. Because we all want love.
Thinking seems to take over my mind quite a bit, (obviously) and if you know me well, you would know that I think about things until they are sorted out, or until the conflict has gone or until I full understand where everyone stands and how they feel. Maybe because I want to try and see the best out of situations, or my relationships with people. I want to make sure everyone is going to be okay, so that I can be okay. People mean a lot to me, especially the people I'm closest with. Though with friendships- you have to work at them, like any relationship. If you don't the friendship of course isn't as strong, or as intimate. (intimate is a weird word).
Also, if you know me well enough; you would know that quality time means a lot to me. The more time I spend with you- the more I feel close, and the more I value the friendship. Probably because I feel like you value me more. Which when I think about it, is kind of stupid. But hey.
What's hard is when you care so much about someone, and it then starts to feel like they don't care about you. Once again this is where disappointment, hurt and confusion come crushing you, because emotionally you don't know where the friendship stands.
But how do you begin to explain to someone that they are un-intentionally hurting you? How do you begin to explain that to anyone. You cant. Because it's only going to hurt them. And I don't like to intentionally hurt people. Part of being a good friend for people, is having to let go all your emotions to be able to support them, and love them despite our differences and our own struggles. Because that's what God has called us to do. To love as he loves, and to do it with your every being.
So, I found myself in this situation where I was being un-intentionally hurt, because my emotions were getting spun into the business, and craziness of life. I left my self esteem drift, and I was letting what I heard and what other people thought get ahead of the truth. The truth can be hard to differentiate, especially when your lost in your own mind. Though I was trying to figure out these situations, at the same time I was being grown and serving, and loving. It's amazing how much grace you can have when you least expect it. When you are being constantly get at.
The truth that I have found is- You and I are worth more. Worth more then the pain and the hurt, the disappointment and confusion we all go through time to time. Yes- it's not an easy concept to live out day to day, and we can drift, and let the our struggles become bigger. And they do, that happens, it's a constant battle. But this is how we learn and grow. We learn more about ourselves and how we react to differences.
When we give everything to God, we have to understand that His way is the only way.
I've learnt that as humans we naturally want to take control, or take charge at a situation. Because "we know best". Well we often don't.
We have to learn to be still in his presence and listen to him. We have to be obedient to his ways. We have to listen to His voice. Because when we are patient, and obedient- he's only going to work for the good.
If you're wondering how my situations panned out- my answer is- I am trying to be obedient. Listen to God, be filled with his grace and mercy. Learning more about God- I find that I am more and more satisfied. Seeing all the good- instead of all the bad. Completely desiring his pure love in my world. And when we desire God- his love his going to be poured out into our hearts, where we find the peace and grace. And all the hurt and pain soon slip away, because of the love God has for us and forgiveness we can have for the people around us, because He constantly forgives us. And it's a challenge, to live and love the way God wants us to. Like he loves us. But in all seriousness- Challenge accepted.
Yep- that's the end.
Peaceeeee
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