Life is funny.

Isnt it just?
Do you ever have those days where you want to run. Run from everyone, everything and just get lost. Maybe because youre tired of your job, maybe because you need to get out. Me- I want to not be stuck. I dont want to be comfortable, or constantly trying to achieve happiness in all the things I constantly do for people, or all the things I am constantly doing to achieve other peoples happiness.
It sounds selfish, and yes- maybe today I am. But sometimes I think we have to be, in order to keep sane. So yes- today I want to run. By run, I mean take a break...step back... get a different perspective.
I have to admit, I havent been entirely happy for the past couple of weeks. Life isnt perfect. I cant complain, I guess I just feel a little un appriciated in certain relationships and some things I do these days. (And thats okay, I know sometimes I de-value friendships, life, or the things people do for me. So to all of my friends and family out there- I truely am blessed by you sorry if I havent mentioned that to you in a while)
Change- can be the cause of confusion, or an uncertainty in my life. Though it hasnt changed suddenly this year is slowly catching up to me.  Realising that this year is different, I may not see some people as much, I can and do take on different responsibilities.  The people around me are changing. And when I try my best to please and make my life with a cherry on top.... its not always what I get.
So- what do I do?
I keep walking in faith. Knowing and trusting that even though I have no idea where I am going, no odea of what is to come, no idea when I will be disapointed, no idea about the true happiness that is to come.. I trust in Jesus. The light of my path, and the one that guides my heart.
I recently got a tattoo which symbolized this. Faith, on the inside of my left foot. I am walking in faith.... where ever He will lead me. Even though I face trials and temptations, I may not feel worthy in the worlds eyes- I am in Gods.
So yes, I am going to run. Run into Gods arms. Where perfect peace and glorious grace will overcome my worst fears. Amen to that!

Peace out readers.

Still moments.

Have you ever had a still moment in life, where everything going on just becomes surreal?

Where your eyes are focused but your mind is completely mixed in changing and making what seems to be a movie in your head. In that moment, you contemplate life, dream bigger then you could achieve and wonder why you are even thinking that way in the first place. You can't stop. It's almost like an out of body experience. Life becomes unsure, my passions become a focus, and my purpose becomes to the fore front of my mind.

My purpose. A thought we must all get at some point right?

I know I often question it. Or life in general...

"why am I here, right now, in this exact spot"

It's one of those things... We have small moments like this...

I am thankful for them, because I know that in those times, God wants to speak to my heart.

Sometimes I think how I even got to where I am today, the people I am friends with, the work I do, and the constant blessings I have in my life. The little things that all add up to the bigger picture.

In these still moments, I know that God is who He says He is.

In these still moments, Life doesn't make sense, but God does.

In these still moments, because of that- I know I can trust and rely fully on God and the plans He has for my life.

His Glory and Grace over my life is unbelievable, even though I fail, my feet, mouth and mind take me to places I should be. Yet, His enduring Love covers all of my brokenness, my hurt, my suffering, and I am free.

In these still moments, I know I can be made whole in Jesus.

It almost brings me back to sanity.

I had one of these "still moments" the other day. I was over tired, in a place where I should be learning and growing, and all of a sudden my mind was else where. I was thinking about life, questioning my actions, my job, why I am here, if I should be somewhere else and what I am doing.

Then I came to realise, I am here, I am doing things, and whatever I may be learning and growing in- is for a reason and a bigger purpose. I have to be happy and content where God has placed me.

I have to trust that He has His hand over my life.

 

Of course we all get disappointed, especially when we have hope for something we may desire.

It gets frustrating when we pursue one thing and ended up with a different outcome. This has also happened to me recently. I put a lot of hope in a person, my mind took me into the future before I knew it. and I had a lot of hope for it to become something, before it was something. And you know what? It's not a bad thing, we all hope, I have a lot of hope. weather it's Gods plan, you never know. But People are placed in our lives for a reason, even if it's for a shorter amount of time, we should be blessed to even be able to have that time.

Being grateful with what we have may be difficult in hard situations, But we have to realise we were lucky to even have it in the first place. Take it, learn from it, and grow from it.

Things can only be as happy, as you want them to be after all.

 

I will end by saying,

In the quiet, in the stillness of your own heart- remember God has your plan. Trust and listen to His voice as He guides your steps towards His Kingdom

and Love.

My Family || A picture is worth a thousand words ||

Family, there is nothing like it. Honestly I can't remember ever not having the blessing of family. For most of us, we are blessed with family. I know I am very blessed with my family, For as long as I have been alive, my family have blessed me. Every Birthday, Christmas, and special occasions, we celebrate with family. They have always been here. I love them.

 

from left: Grandad (camera in hand) Nan (beautiful smile) Mum & Dad (watching as Steph blows out her birthday candles for the 18th time)

 

 

This last Christmas (2013) was when I realised no one is perfect. Even the people you are closest to, or you thought you knew. Though of course I knew that before somehow we can be blinded by our own expectations or thoughts, that hide away the disappointing truth we don't want to face.

 

      Grandpa. Christmas 2013

A bit tired after an emotional day, as the years go on, we all get older.

 

 

And as we get older, learn new things, people grow, family grows.

I am so blessed to be the oldest of the Grandchildren, it means I am blessed with younger cousins.

Taylar and I

 (oldest and youngest Grandkids) She is such a beautiful girl, so blessed to see her grow up!

 

 

 

 I think it's made me realise; watching my aunties and uncles become amazing parents themselves, how much of a blessing my own parents are too. Mum was 22 when she had Jen and I. Being 20 now, it must of been a big change having twins by that stage in your life. But God defiantly has everything in His hands. We have moved a little, and plan on moving again this year. After being at this house for 12 years now, it'll be hard to move, but I'm keen for a new adventure.  

 

My Aunty Jac with her daughter ( my cousin) Autumn. such a beautiful little family!

 

 

 I am blessed to be a twin, and though it has it's moments and our whole life we have felt compared, Jen is the most honest person in my life. Because we have grown up together, we have no shame, and we can be completely blunt with one another. Though It can be a disadvantage in our relationship, I think we have a lot of respect for one another.

 There is something about being a twin, it's different then having a sibling. After all God did create us at the exact same time, so we have always been blessed with each other.

Steph, what can I say about her, she is such a beautiful girl. I think watching her grow up has had a big impact on my life. Turing 18 a few months ago really got me thinking. One day we are all young, everyone looks young, and then you wake up and everyone is older. People have changed.

Jen & Taylar. A beautiful moment between generations.

 

 

 
 
Life is really just a small glimpse, and then we have eternity. We are blessed to even be apart of this world, to grow old, to be blessed with family, and relationships & friends. I am still blessed to have all 4 Grandparents alive. To hear about their journey, and watch them in theirs! My Grandad and Grandpa, two Men who have always loved, and encouraged me in my Photography and Faith.

Left: Grandad (John Gerrand) He has always encouraged me, taken time to know us, and encourages me in my photography work. Right: Grandpa (David Cadman) For as long as I have known him, He has been a strong man of faith, and has encouraged my faith and walk with Jesus.  So blessed!



 I love watching my Grandma love on her grand children, and become over joyed! Her laugh is contagious, and her smile brightens the room. She is the most compassionate person, and always lightens the mood with her sense of humour. There is so much joy and blessing in family, even though we aren't perfect, we are all created in one image; God. And He blesses us with such joy.

 Grandma with Taylar. 1st and 3rd Generation. So much joy in this photograph.



My Dad (Dave) So blessed to have him being the biggest male role model in my life, though we are very different, he has taught me a lot. He is compassionate, he has worked hard all his life and somehow overcomes the little bumps in life, and has always seen the bigger picture. Watching him get older is great, although I get to make fun of him, it has only grown our relationship. Couldn't imagine life without him!

 

A few captured moments of my beautiful family......

 

Pete and Autumn

Dave and Taylar

 

Steph's 18th

 Jac & Autumn

Taylar with a balloon

Benedict, love this kid

Emma, my other twin cuz

Jen and Autumn

Grandpa, what a cutie.

Leonie and Taylar

 

 As time goes by, we all get older, family grows, wrinkles come, people change, past events may change future ones, but in family there is love. There is God. And through and in Him- we can get through anything.

I am forever Blessed!

 

A story takes time, and time is a beautiful thing.

I've come to the conclusion that time although we age, is a beautiful thing. The other night was my cousin Benedicts school concert at Box Hill town hall. My aunty invited me, so I went a long to see him perform. A dew songs and some dancing.
As I was walking towards the hall, I saw in the distance my Grandma standing there. She always has a smile on her face and a warm welcome. She is one of those people anyone could get along with.
We walked in together to find my aunty and take a seat. As we were sitting and waiting- the hall was filling with loud kids and parents who wanted to sit as close to the front as possible. My Grandma leaned over to me and said with a massive smile on her face "I met your Grandpa here". Instantly my mind too me back 50 years, as she was describing their first meeting...
They both had gone dancing, ballroom dancing. (Yeah, guys actually did that back then). Apparently Grandpa spotted her on the other side of the room, and was instantly drawn towards her. So he gathered himself together and asks her to dance (how romantic). This particular dance my Grandma loved, so you can imagine her excitment.
If anyone knows my Grandma, she loves to talk. And thats what she did. As they danced, she went on and on about how much she loved this dance. Once the dance was over and she had finished talking; she stood back against the wall. The next song started.. and Grandma was waiting for him to ask her again. But he didn't. So She tought she had just made a fool of herself. Little did she know that he was waiting for the same type of dance to come on (her favorite) so he could ask her to dance a again..
The next week they met again, and then the next...
And from there on the rest is history. As I sat in the town hall watching my cousin perform, watching the time go past and seeing how time has the biggest impact on our lives. I looked across to my grandma, who once again sat in the same hall she met her husband in, only 50 years later watching one of her 10 Grand children perform. A massive smile on her face. I had a warm heart, my thoughts were filled with joy as I saw joy in her heart.  And it all started with a greeting and a dance..
One thing I have learnt from the past few months has been accepting time. Aceppting life as it comes. Our journies are all different, but they are for a greater purpose. We are created for a greater purpose.
Time is short, beautiful and strong, live every opportunity, create every moment, and live in todays time, tomorrows will come.

Breathe

That's what I tell myself every time I hear your name "Just breathe". A breath is all it can take to speak, to make someone fall, to make someone smile, to turn someones world upside down.  A breath is something in life, we take for granted. It's one thing that when used well, can be beautiful, and when abused can cause distruction.
We all go through loss, weather it be family, friends or relationships. It's never easy, it's never clear. Confusion comes, rejection comes, hurt and fear take place. The heart yearns for love.
It still seems to amaze me how time can change things, so radically and so suddenly.  Yet at the same time, the time that has changed things, seems so short.  When you look back on time, we seem to remember the good things- unless your heart was broken, or it hurt, something changed in you-  you remember it all.
I guess it can be a good thing, to realise the past, accept it and come to terms with it. We all learn from the past, mistakes or brokeness, joy and happiness, we learn who we are, but also become who we are.
I have learnt a lot recently, about myself, how I cope with time in heart ache and being me, in emotion and in this world.  I've come to the conclusion that all I need to overcome temptaions, trials, errors and in my weakness- All I need is His strength.
God controls time, time is in His hands. Aswell as my worries, my career, my relationships, my journey. All in His hands. I am beautiful, loved and seen as pure in Gods eyes, and that is all I need to satisfy all of me.
It's an easy thing to take for granted. After all salvation, and Gods grace is too big for our minds to even comprehend. So ofcourse it's going to be hard to accept someone like Jesus into your life...It just takes trust.
Life is like a photograph...God should be the focus point in our Lens- or in our lives- When we loose our focus point, it can become hard to see what the picture is meant to be of. It can be hard to realise our true purpose and creation.
So every time I have to take a deep breath and just...breathe. I look to Jesus. He is my fufillment, my peace, my Grace, Hope, forgiveness,  Love. He is my focus point. That way all I have to do continue to trust Him, allow Him to work through me, and enjoy the veiw. Sometimes my view aint so great, but it's what we have that makes me appreciate life and the view I do have- it's Gods unfailing, never changing, perfectly satisfying,  forever enduring love for me. It's all I will ever need.
Amen.

The things I would say.

I don't know how to tell if I've let you go, how can you?
 You always seem to still be there. No matter how hard I try, you always seem to stay. Even though I was broken. you broke me, maybe used me, I think. Unless I took the fall and I broke myself for a reason I thought would stay. And you do, just not in that way! So maybe I should blame myself for playing your games. 
I guess I've tried to stop, told my heart it was broken enough on that cold April night- even before that time, I was breaking on the inside. I needed to find me again, me without the love and care I poured into you.. I was tired of being so run down. I tried to convince myself I deserve better, but I dont think it will ever work, somehow I will always have so much respect, honor, and love for you, even though you broke me in two.  
I was so broken for so long. I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt when you left. I struggled more knowing that it was easy for you to let go of our friendship, after I was there for you for so long. I would hear your name, your voice in my head, and just about cry, And I know you know what that feels like.. Memories pass- the good and bad, and tears would stream down my face like it happened all over again. I struggled and there were days I wished I had never met you, times where I wish I hadn't cared so much, and times where I wanted to run to you because I couldn't help but care still.. 
 Now I realize where I was weak and made you strong. Times where I fell, and without knowing it picked me up. Whenever you were broken, I was there, because you knew I cared. I guess you used it to your advantage. I get confused, a little upset, because I can't decide if you ever cared at all, and if you still do? 
It's a question I may never know the answer to. 
Now I see where all my strength and love went- to you.
And so my time and my heart gave in. I loved you. 
I don't know what your plan was, to drag me along? All I know is what's done, is done. 

I fell in love and had so much hope. I wanted to be that one for you, although I knew I couldn't be. I guess I cant figure out why. Maybe that's why you're still there, maybe it's why I still care. 

I'm doing better, I know I'm okay. but there must be deeper healing to be done
Now i'll take this time to seek my one true love, who I really need. 
Jesus is my rock and my foundation, He is my True and only Love. I know I loved you for a reason, and I know it was a season. I guess I still have questions, and thats why I will constantly wonder. 

For now I'll except the time we shared, the words that were said and how I cared. 
I'll burn the seeds my heart grew for you, after all it's all I can do. 
A new chapter, something new, just gotta figure out how to say goodbye, cause I just miss you. 

Seasons of 2013

Well friends, it has actually been super log since I last blogged. Why? I have no idea... Time passes way to quickly for my liking these days.
Anyway, it has defiantly been and interesting year for me so far.. It has had its ups and downs, highs and lows. I think I have grown more in my faith, and in my relationship with God. Which is amazing, He may not have used the best circumstances but hey, everything happens for the greater purpose of Him. So, as much as it was challenging, heart breaking, and painful, relationships have been torn, as well as myself emotionally and spiritually. I know I will come out on top of all of this, because God is my rock, and my only strength.

Have you ever loved?
You most likely have. I'm not talking about family, friends or pets, I mean loved.
Let your heart get away, given your heart away.

I have.
It was an adventure, Well I guess that's what love is. It's sharing yourself, and putting someone else's needs above your own.
I loved, and lost.
But I basically lost what I never had. I had my heart torn away and I had to find myself again, because I was so lost in the "love" I had created.

It is a choice, to love. Although I lied to myself for way too long about if I did love or not.
I knew I did, but I couldn't admit it out loud, because I knew deep down that it wasn't right. I just wanted, hoped it would be, one day.

Time passed, people changed, I supported, still hoped, and never let go. Even though it was killing my to hold on, It would of killed me more to let go, because i loved too much.

One day it will all make sense, and it's starting to.. slowly.
I will always still care, I can't but not. Because once you love, it's hard not to let it go. because it's so great. he's so great.

I consider myself blessed, blessed to love and be loved by my one true love, Jesus.
Seasons of life happen. And so winter comes to a near end, happier days are ahead. My joy alone comes from Jesus. his grace, strength and constant never failing love, is all that keeps me running to Him.
He is all I need.