maybe I should just write?

It’s amazing how different you can feel to the world. To everyone you’re just a mere human, a friend, and someone they know. People know me, they can see me for who I am. But we all block out some part of our lives, either to certain people, because it can be uncomfortable, or our past can effect our future. Me well, I see myself as being the girl next door. Though, in a way I feel like next door is miles away. I can’t figure out if I’m miles ahead or I’m the one whose miles behind.

People often say that you can be an open book, my book seems to be closed of to the world. Not because I want my life to feel private, but because I simply don’t know how to speak out, about anything. Fear, anxiety, and myself seem to get in the way of my voice. Maybe its my self I have to blame. I have many pages you could say. some interesting, and some not so interesting, but I have a story. Day to day, we all have a story. My story is just waiting, not sure what for yet. I know we all figure it out eventually.  And one day our own book and our chapters will end.

At the moment, I’m trying to figure myself out. I mean, I obviously know who I am, and what my values are. I guess I’m trying to find a real purpose. With just finishing year 12, we can feel pressured to know exactly what we want to do. Well I do know what I want in life, as I said I know my values. I guess I’m trying to figure out my next step, or what is actually going to happen for me next.

Dreams and hope, come to mind when I think of my future and what I’d like to get out of it. But Dreams and hope, also change, like our values. As we get older, we want different things, we see things differently, and sometimes life can dramatically change.

Recently, I have been in a situation, that changed the way I saw things, and the way things worked out, were not how I hoped. And this happens in life. Our hope, can sometimes become what we want to value most.  The situation soon flooded my mind for days, and I couldn’t stop thinking about anything else. I let the situation, become something that it wasn’t, which only lead into utter disappointment. Only then did I realise I had to pretend I didn’t care.

Sometimes I think It’s at out weak point when God decides to use us. That same week, God used me. I had the strangest feeling to act on something. And I did, because It was exciting, and new, and for once that week, I wanted to influence someone else’s life, instead of hoping everyone else would influence mine.  

God really showed me more opportunities, with strangers. It’s amazing how I, just the girl next door can share Gods love to others. And why not? There’s nothing better to do on this earth. 

Its been a while

Well, look at this, haven't blogged in ages. And here I am.
I was thinking about blogging last night. How I like to write, write my thoughts and the random things that come to mind. Then when I figure out what to actually write about, my mind seems to go blank.
Since I haven't written in a while. I mys well keep my life updated for you.
Well, since September, Wow it really has been 2 months to long.....
I have finished year 12. What a relief! didn't ever think I would get passed that one.
I have made many new friends.. due to my slight taste of freedom.
My freedom from exams comes in only one week. I have one left. And i'm not to worried about it.
For now, I'm busy.
Busy with trying to get my hours up, so I can get my P's.
Having lots of Photography work! Well, enough for now. I have recently photographed 7 beautiful families, done a 21st, and the church festival. This week, I am photographing a childrens concert for remembrance day. A lot of family friends, or mums friends have also asked me to take baby, family and children shots also. So the experience I'm getting has been great. And I'm so blessed, because I, not once, have had to ask for any of the opportunities i'm getting.
Also, home has been very busy, with the backyard being done, the driveway, and getting it all sorted for our party. It's going to be a big night.
Other then that, without getting to deep and meaningful, like I normally do..
I'm just excited! Excited for what is to come, what is going to change over the next year or even few months.
Anyways, that's all I really have to say.
peace.

10 years ago on 9/11

This day 10 years ago, I was living in New Zealand. Watching the devastation, and the un-thinkable happen in New York. I was young, though I remember people running, screaming, jumping, bleeding, and pleading for help. Some people have asked me, why do bad things happen to good people? All i can say is that; this world we live in has fear, anguish, and pain. And we have to embrace the happiness when its here. We have suffering so that life here, is valuable to us! A lot of people have no idea what happens after death, and their eternity can be lost.
On this day 10 years ago, many people had to endure the pain, the loss, the grief and sadness. While the rest of us had to sit and watch, what was going on around the other side of the world.
For me, i will always remember sitting at my home then, and watching the towers crumble, people jumping off the buildings because they had no choice!
People do some crazy messed up things in this world.. without it we would learn nothing, we wouldn't grow without pain, and become who God has created for us to be. We have a love that can over power the hard times, make the numbness heal, make our hearts whole, and make our souls pure.

jade.

jade, she is amazing, blessed i am to call her a friend. This year she has been a gift from God, and i know that moving to box hill senior has been worth it, just to meet her.
As soon as we both met, on the first day of school this year, we said hi, and i'm pretty sure that instantly we knew we were going to be great friends. We figured we were the only two people in our group, and instantly decided to make a spot for our selfs at this school, and call it something extravagant ( because other people had their spots), we named ours "the window" as it was in a shape of a window.
Through year 12 jade and i have formed a great bond, we constantly laugh at one anothers misfortune, cry when the other is crying, and get all stupid when we need to block out the stress of folios!

All i can say is that i love her! she's just about as stupid as i am, and just as silly. So we get along just fine :)
PS on ya jade ;)

HI!

hello. I haven't written a blog in a while. this is most likely due to  year 12 taking over my life and almost savaging my social life. Now only 2 weeks of 3rd term left, and I'm as busy as a bicycle wheel going 100k an hour.
With lots of family portraits going on, work, formals, church, and year 12 put together, plus having 2 folios, 4 finals, all my health due in, 2 more sacs, and trying to have a social life. wow its crazy.
Though I'm learning a lot. Mostly how to deal with everything, and just as that happens, its all going to end. End- year 12? it almost doesn't feel possible. But within the next 2 weeks, everything is going to be done. Crazy to think that. Also at the end of the two weeks, is going to be one of the best weeks this year.... YOUTH CAMP! just a tad excited, for these 2 weeks to be up, unless my brain overload decides to take over my body, and then ill become a walking time bomb.
It'll be okay, this year i have received lots and i mean LOTS of experience with photography and film, its been amazing, i will have enough family portraits for a folio, of experience. God has truly blessed me this year! church banner, filming for the church CD.. and now all this experience with family photographs. It is AMAZING. all while this has happened he is using my hands to bless other people. The church was blessed with a banner, who ever sees the amazing church CD will be blessed! And children in thailand will be blessed with the money i raise for target thai! Its amazing that God can use someone like me, to bless others around me, and also bless those in another country. So thank you God, for using me, i will serve you all of my days!
thats it for now :) gotta head back to reality and year 12...
PEACE

Influenced

Have you ever been influenced? By what you hear, see, or what the people around you do..?

Well just the other night during prayer and worship, i saw how i, have been influenced in my past.

 In primary school and some of highschool, it wasn't as easy as one might think, i went through things that you might not expect... Bullying from day to day, hurt, anger, trials... i have faced these in my own ways. Im not saying i wish these things didn't happen, as we all go through things that make us become who we are today.

And I've realised, that im still that scared little girl sometimes. The girl that a teacher found in grade prep, in the fetal position because some stupid grade 6 boys decided to make a nasty influence that has scared her...though I am not all that little anymore, though i face bigger life decisions, bigger choices, and bigger fears. The fears that I faced when i was young, the hurt i faced when i was young, has affected me greatly in how i see things today, how i fear things today, and how i act today...

A lady was speaking at church the other night... she was saying that our brains, without even knowing it, fear, what we used to fear. That without even knowing it, our brains automatically think that way, the way where we put ourselfs down, where we are afraid of that same hurt, afraid of that same sittuation, and afraid of the influence.

And yet here i am, only now, realising that this has affected me in ways i hadn't known. I have grown, loved, lost, feared, and become who i am today. Without the love of My God and Savior Jesus Christ, i wouldn't be who i am today. In fact i would of gone off the rails, gone somewhere, where that fear would of taken me. But because of the Lord, i am saved. I don't have to fear.. for he is always with me.

breaking point.

Have you ever had a moment where you realise you have hit rock bottom?? or breaking point? well its been a long couple of weeks. including school, work, church, and other commitments, my parents being away and trying to contain the siblings from doing something stupid.
Well, as a result of life and its craziness, today at work, i hit rock bottom. With out going into all the dull details, i went to work, they stuffed up and went to send me home after an hour. So i was annoyed yes, as i had to skip class to get there on time. So i went to talk with the manager. I had gotten ready to head home, but turns out they still wanted me to work in another department,  i walked out of the office... trying to keep my head held high, and the tears from pouring out, i ran to the bathroom  and started crying, and alot.. with everything in me wanting to quit and run away, i sat down, and prayed. "God help me stay strong"  With everything else on top of my plate, i had hit breaking point.
I looked myself in the eye, and reminded myself 'Isaiah 41:10' - "do not be afraid, for i am always with you" - Jesus.
Instantly, i had peace, though still cut up in my tears i went and talked with the store manager, and it was resolved.
Though im stressing with everything, i know God is with me, he feels our hurt, and he knows our hearts.
So thanks God, just for being awesome, without you, i wouldn't know what i would do.
-- Kath